


our love is a harsh chord

by la_muerta



Series: semi-charmed kind of life [2]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - 1990s, Alternate Universe - Human, Alternate Universe - Rock Band, Angst with a Happy Ending, Background Simon Lewis/Maia Roberts, F/M, Idiots in Love, Implied/Referenced Drug Addiction, M/M, Mutual Pining, Non-Linear Narrative, Recreational Drug Use, Risky sexual behaviour, Rock Star Alec Lightwood, Rock Star Magnus Bane, Rough Sex, Sex Drugs and Rock and Roll, Strangers to Lovers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-05
Updated: 2019-02-08
Packaged: 2019-10-22 20:03:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 21,902
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17669153
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/la_muerta/pseuds/la_muerta
Summary: Magnus lives in two worlds: one of blinding stage lights and the thunder of the adoring crowd stomping its feet to the rhythm of his music; and one of the darkness offstage, a blur of lonely hotel rooms, one-night stands, drugs, and the sting of whiskey.Magnus lives in two worlds, both of them stark, bleak, empty - until Alec Lightwood comes along, and everything falls apart.





	1. semi-charmed kind of life

**Author's Note:**

> This is a follow-up to a one-shot, so it'll probably make more sense if you read [part one](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14490456) first ;) 
> 
> Written for the [3B Countdown Calendar](https://twitter.com/3BCountdown). Much thanks to [CryptidBane](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Impetus/pseuds/CryptidBane) for organising <3 There's going to be lots of great fic coming out while we countdown to Shadowhunters Season 3B, so keep an eye out! 
> 
> I normally do not hashtag fic but I guess there's a first time for everything. If you want to tweet about this fic, use #OLIAHCfic and I'll try my best to keep track! (You can also tag me directly if you want, I'm @tethysea on twitter).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How do I get back there to  
> The place where I fell asleep inside you?  
> How do I get myself back to  
> The place where you said  
> I want something else  
> To get me through this  
> Semi-charmed kind of life 
> 
> \- _"Semi-charmed Life", Third Eye Blind_

  

 

 

 

 

**May 1, 1998 - Brooklyn, New York**

 

Stepping into his own home shouldn't make Magnus feel like an intruder. The fact that it does, plants a tiny seed of bitterness in the cleft of Magnus' heart. 

It's been five days since he's been in here, but then again he and Alec sometimes spend weeks away at a time during touring season, and their bands don't always get to travel together. It shouldn't feel that different to coming home after performing at some festival over a weekend, but they've never stayed away from each other voluntarily, not when they're in the same city. All of Magnus' shoes are still on the rack by the door since he stomped out empty-handed, and the gleaming black grand piano that sits in the place of honour right in the middle of the living room looks untouched, but that may just be Magnus projecting - he hasn't been able to bring himself to even touch a musical instrument either. Perhaps the most disturbing part of it for Magnus is how painfully neat the whole apartment is, because if Magnus had been sad and angry and trapped at home for five days, he'd probably have thrashed the whole place. It feels like Alec hasn't been in here either, although Magnus knows for a fact that Alec hasn't left the apartment since their fight because of the paparazzi hovering downstairs, which is why Magnus has had to wait till now to get his things. 

If he's honest with himself, Magnus has also been waiting for Alec to call. Since their fight, Magnus has been holing up at Ragnor's place, and he knows he's driving his best friend crazy with his chain-smoking and the way he's steadily working his way through Ragnor's entire liquor cabinet while pretending that he isn't checking his phone every five minutes. At first, he'd decided that he was going to ignore Alec until Alec had grovelled a bit. Then he'd decided he'd settle for an apology, then that all he needed was for Alec to make the first move to call him - but he's waited and waited, and he really needs some of his own clothes. 

Izzy had promised him that she'd gotten Alec out of the house and Magnus could go in to quickly grab a suitcase of clothes. Magnus makes it all the way to the bedroom before he finds out that Izzy is a fucking liar.

He shouldn't even have been surprised, considering what day it is. 

From the looks of it, Alec's just stepped out of the shower. Magnus can see the steam fogging up the bathroom mirror behind him, and Alec's only wearing a towel wrapped around his waist, hipbones jutting out a little too prominently. His hair is dripping wet and too long again, getting in his eyes. He looks a mess - hasn't shaved in days, probably hasn't slept or eaten properly in days either, but he's Magnus' beautiful mess. A drop of water traces a path from Alec's collar bone down his pecs and abs, running along the v-shaped muscle at his pelvis before vanishing into the towel. On any other day, that would be Magnus' cue to saunter towards Alec with a grin on his face and relieve Alec of that pesky towel, then drop to his knees so he can use his tongue to continue down the path where that drop of water should have traversed, lower, then lower still...  

"What the fuck are you doing here?" Alec snaps, and the spell is broken.

"This happens to be my place, too, Alec," Magnus says, voice low and deadly. 

Alec reacts to Magnus' use of his shortened name like a slap to the face - flinching away at first from the hurt, then coming right back at Magnus with blows of his own. 

"Yeah, well, you left," Alec bites out. "So maybe you should stay gone."

Magnus grits his teeth. "Fine. I only came back to get my things anyway."

Alec's eyes widen a little. "Yeah, you do that," he finally mumbles. He makes an abortive move towards the walk-in wardrobe they share, then pulls back, and gestures that Magnus should go ahead first.  

Magnus can feel Alec's eyes on his back as he pulls out the huge suitcase from under the bed - _their_ bed - and stomps to the walk-in wardrobe to start grabbing stuff, throwing them haphazardly into the open suitcase. Magnus' vision is blurring a little with tears he refuses to let himself shed, and meanwhile his stupid stubborn Alexander is probably standing there in nothing but a fucking towel looking at him rip the nine months they spent living together off the hangers. Oh, there's more to Magnus' belongings than clothes, although that's pretty much all he brought over when they moved into this apartment together, and it's funny how things accumulate even when they spent more than half of those two-hundred-or-so days in hotel rooms all over the country. Among other things, there's that jade statue of a cat that sits on the mantlepiece of the false fireplace in the living room, a purple clay tea set with a teapot that's shaped like a curled up dragon sleeping away in the kitchen cupboard, and the psychedelic pop art silk-screen print hanging in the hallway, of a faceless someone with their legs up in the air and spread wide to show off their dildo-filled ass and erect cockthat Magnus likes to joke is actually a portrait of him (it's really Alec, from a photo taken by Magnus on a particularly memorable afternoon months ago, but nobody needs to know).

Magnus has finished filling the suitcase now, and he's not even halfway done packing all of his things. He slams the lid of the suitcase down and chips his nail polish trying to latch it shut. He wasn't going to say a word, but he was never very good at holding back. 

"What happened to Jace wasn't my fault," Magnus says, and almost manages to keep his voice even.

After a few minutes of silence, Alec surprises him by replying, "No, you were right. It was mine." 

Magnus winces. "Alexander, I didn't mean it that way." Magnus hauls his suitcase upright and leans it against the wall before saying, "Jace is an adult. You're not responsible for the choices he makes." Alec doesn't answer.

Magnus sighs and turns around. Alec is still standing half-naked just outside the door of the bathroom, one hand twisting the part where the towel is tucked in at his hips, the other arm wrapped around himself, his eyes fixed on the floor. Alec's looks up at Magnus in response to his movement, and Magnus realises belatedly that his eyeliner must be smudged when guilt flashes across Alec's face.

Anger flares bright inside him again, because Alec knows perfectly well what he's doing to them both, but in the end it's the ache in his heart that wins out. 

"Alexander, I know this is hard, but we can get through this together."

Alec shakes his head and looks away again. Magnus takes a few steps towards him, and at least Alec doesn't back away. He's close enough to touch Alec, but he doesn't; just standing there, waiting for Alec to look at him. 

 

When he does, it's like a dam breaking. Alec lets out a sound that's suspiciously like a sob before he grabs Magnus by the lapels of his jacket and crashes their lips together, walking Magnus backwards to the bed and pushing him down onto the mattress while still desperately kissing him. Magnus moans when Alec straddles him, his hands roaming over bare skin and grabbing handfuls of Alec's ass, the towel forgotten on the floor on the way to the bed. 

Fumbling hands find the lube in the nightstand drawer and Magnus pinches Alec's nipples lightly while Alec prepares himself, and what a sight Alec makes - mouth falling open with pleasure as he makes himself ready to take Magnus' cock, his own cock so beautifully hard that Magnus can't resist wrapping one hand around it and making Alec gasp louder with each stroke.

He hisses when Alec unzips his too-tight jeans and shoves them down just enough to free his cock, trapping his legs in a tangle of denim. Then Alec braces himself over Magnus, and Magnus can hardly breathe from how tight Alec is around him when he fucks himself down onto his cock; slow at first, then picking up speed as his body adjusts to the intrusion. Sex between them has always been good, and they've been doing this for so many years that there's no need for words. Magnus lets Alec find the right angle for Magnus' cock to press into his prostate, then digs his heels into the bed so that he can thrust up to meet Alec every time Alec slams himself down.  

Alec tends to work out his frustrations with sex, so Magnus lets him. He lets Alec fuck himself on his cock until they're both an incoherent mess, lets Alec ride him until they're both trembling, lets Alec take and take until Alec is crying out his name in harsh gasps as his release spills into Magnus' fist, lets Alec keep grinding down on his cock until Alec pulls Magnus over the edge with him. 

After that, they hold each other for hours in silence, and outside, the sun sets. If they don't speak, they can pretend that everything is fine. If they keep their eyes closed, they can pretend that everyone they love is safe and sound somewhere out there. If they hold on tightly enough, Magnus can pretend that it doesn't feel like he's unmoored, a battered ship drifting dead in the water in the wide ocean, while a riptide he can't see pulls Alec away from him. 

"I think you should go," Alec finally whispers, turning away. 

When is he ever going to learn? They're good at the sex but terrible at the talking, and after years together it seems nothing's changed. Magnus casts around for something to say - something sharp, hurtful, nonchalant - but what's the point of that?  

Magnus gets dressed and pushes his suitcase out of the bedroom door. Alec is still curled up naked in their wrinkled bedclothes, lying on his side with his face hidden away, and he's so pale in the bluish gloom between sunset and nightfall that he seems bleached of all colour, his dark hair and tattoos the only things standing out against the pale blue sheets. He looks like a drowned man.

"Happy anniversary, Alexander," Magnus says quietly, just before he lets the door fall shut between them.

    

\--

     

**June 16, 1997 - Brooklyn, **New York**  **

Magnus has always assumed that when he dies, he will be found alone in a lavish hotel room, naked, shot up with too much of something, and lying face down in his own vomit. 

If nothing else, it's good motivation to stay in shape as much as his lifestyle allows - because if there is any possibility of the paparazzi getting hold of those pictures, at least he will still look devastatingly fit in them. This conviction that in death he will definitely be discovered without a stitch of clothing on him is also his excuse for the many tattoos he has collected over the years. There is a story behind every tattoo he gets, and he likes the idea that when he's lying cold and stiff in the morgue, someone will look at those tattoos, and even though they won't understand exactly what they mean, the way they might have if Magnus had simply wrote it all down in words (but some times they don't understand, not even then), a tattoo might awaken something deep in the mind and heart of the right person, and they will think: _Ah_. 

Like a lot of other things, Magnus learned the hard way that not all tattoo artists really qualify as "artists". Now, he only gets his tattoos done at a certain studio in Brooklyn, which is why it is more than a month after he called Jem up with his idea for the design that he finally finds the time to actually get his new tattoo done. 

"Magnus," Jem greets him with a smile, looking up from his sketch.

Opening the door has triggered a chain reaction through the crazy contraption of pathways and levers dangling overhead. A small metal ball-bearing speeds across precariously placed wooden ramps, almost falling a couple of times before it eventually careens into a row of dominoes and sends them clattering to the floor on its way to hitting a stick, which in turn taps lightly on a mellow-sounding wind-chime above Jem - five minutes after Magnus reaches the counter. 

"Will?" Magnus asks. 

"Will," Jem acknowledges with a smile and a nod, then turns his sketch around so Magnus can see it properly. "Does this look alright?"  

"'Alright'? Jem, this is  _gorgeous_ ," Magnus says, but Jem waves the compliment away modestly. 

"What do the numbers mean?" Jem asks as he leads the way to the chair. 

Magnus takes off his jacket and shirt, and straddles the chair. He doesn't answer Jem, and Jem doesn't push, even though Magnus usually gives Jem some idea of the story he wants to tell when Jem is designing the tattoo. Tattoos are personal, and Jem knows that for Magnus this is especially true. The thing is, Magnus has known Jem for a long time, from way back when they were both at Juilliard, and he trusts Jem - that's what makes their relationship work. Ragnor knows something is going on between him and Alec but Magnus hasn't told him exactly how serious it's gotten, and he can't tell Catarina, because there are no secrets between her and Ragnor. His band mates definitely suspect, but he hasn't told them either. And if he can't tell Jem as well, then who else can he tell? 

"It's a date," Magnus replies after a while.

"First of May," Jem murmurs.

"Have you ever had a clear point in your life where you knew that your world had shifted, and your life would always be split into a 'before' and 'after'?" Magnus asks.

Jem answers without hesitation: "Yes."

Magnus opens his mouth to tell Jem why this date is such turning point, and is surprised that he doesn't have the words for it.   

  

Magnus knows it's a dumb thing to do. It's one of the most basic rules - don't get a tattoo about someone you think you're currently in love with, because love fades but a tattoo is forever. Besides, this date could be a completely arbitrary point in the story of him and Alec - it's not the day that Magnus realised he loved Alec, not the day that he met Alec, or even the day that they said 'I love you' to each other. Still, there were a dozen times when he could have stopped Jem and told him he needed a moment to think, but he doesn't, because it  _feels_ right. He thinks about it while Jem is wiping the patch of fresh skin with rubbing alcohol, while Jem runs the disposable razor over Magnus' skin to make sure no minuscule hairs will get in the way of the needle, and he's still thinking about it when Jem transfers the design from the thermal paper to Magnus' back and asks Magnus to check in the mirror that the stencil's in the right place.

Magnus takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly, closing his eyes when the needle bites into his skin. Ironically, it's not the scratching sensation of the needle piercing his skin that usually makes him squirm, but the vibrations from the machine that make him feel a little nauseous, especially when it goes over the parts where the skin is stretched thin over the bone of his spine. For a while, there is no other sound in the room except the low hum of the machine injecting blue-black ink under his skin. The tattoo of the sun is about the size of his palm, and is placed in the middle of his upper back, over his heart, in a way. At Magnus' request, this one is a little different from the designs he usually gets from Jem - a little more angular, and to be done in black ink only. The line work is intricate but not crowded, a complex geometrical design that hides the numbers in the negative space so well that you wouldn't know they were there unless you were looking for them: 050197.   

You don't get tattoos of the name of the person you happen to be dating at the moment, but this isn't a name but a feeling, and Magnus figures that this is what makes it different. Magnus lives a life of blinding stage lights, the thunder of the crowd stomping its feet to the rhythm of his music, of too-loud speakers whining with feedback, and spilling his heart and guts out through the microphone, even if nobody knows that he means every word he sings. He shares that side of his life with the other members of his band, and that makes it slightly more bearable. But it's the flipside that hollows him out - the darkness offstage that nothing fills; not drugs, not booze, not sex. Having Alexander Lightwood in his life made it worse for a while, turned the emptiness into a gnawing ache; but it's always darker before the dawn, and Magnus is a true believer of every cliché now, especially those about love. 

The first of May, 1997. The day that Magnus woke up with Alec's arms still around him. The day he found out that Alec  _did_ , in fact, have feelings for him as well, and the day they promised each other that they would do everything to make this relationship work. 

Despite Magnus' newfound appreciation of clichés, he doesn't mean to say that Alec is the light of his life or anything like that. Alec is not the type of person you'd generally call a ray of sunshine. But Alec's lips are always warm and eager, and his body curled around Magnus' - not the way Alec usually slumps against him, sweaty and drained after they've spent themselves in a night of rough sex, but when they'd held each other close after a round of slow, careful sex, half-awake and half-dreaming in a lazy late morning nap - makes Magnus feel the same way a cat must feel like dozing in a patch of sun. Alec is an unexpected message received just before a show, a memory of a smile on a rough day, a quiet 'good morning' whispered into Magnus' ear as if Alec really means 'I love you'.

For the first time in a long time, Magnus thinks that although he might certainly still die naked, maybe he won't be alone when it happens, and that's definitely a feeling he wants captured in a tattoo. Besides, he's going to need the itch of the healing tattoo to distract him from another month without Alec. 

 

\--

     

**November 18, 1994 - Detroit, Michigan**

 

Alec knows who they are, or at least he's definitely noticed the guy who's the face and voice of Pandemonium. It's the nature of the business - you can swap out almost every single band member and still keep the band name, and when touring is as gruelling as it is, band members burn out in a matter of months. Alec's band Seraphim, for example, is currently touring with a borrowed drummer and keyboardist, and Alec doesn't expect them to stick around after they get back to New York. Replacing Magnus Bane, on the other hand, would be a tall order. Pandemonium has been around for less than a year, but in that short time Alec's noticed that Magnus isn't just an amazing singer, pianist, and guitarist - he also plays the violin like the damned instrument is an extension of his arm, and Alec knows Magnus is also the one who writes most of his band's songs. 

Coupled with a larger-than-life personality and a constant swarm of groupies in his orbit, Alec has only dared to admire the guy from afar - until now. 

"God, I can't believe they put us after that shitty band," Jace says, voice pitched loud enough to be overheard in the crowded hotel lobby.

"Jace," Alec says warningly, but Jace is in a mood to start some drama, and just smirks when he notices Pandemonium's horde of fans turning towards them. 

"Come on, you know I'm right. They're just gimmicky. Did you see what their lead guy was wearing?" Jace scoffs, addressing Seraphim's much smaller group of fans, and they giggle, heady with the attention from their idol. 

"Gimmicky? Coming from a guy who always wears white t-shirts and empties a bottle of water over his head halfway through the set without fail, that seems pretty rich," their bassist observes.

"You're welcome," Jace replies, blowing her a kiss. She raises an eyebrow at him, unamused, and some guy who Alec thinks might be the keyboardist scowls at Jace. 

"Oh, Maia, don't bother with him. He's just jealous that everyone left after we were done, because nobody wanted to listen to his little Christian rock band," Magnus says with a laugh, and their groupies laugh along with him.

"Christian- what?" Jace sputters in indignation, but Magnus is already gone, trailing adoring fans in his wake.

 

A couple of hours later, Alec wanders down to the hotel bar for a drink after Jace and their two temporary band mates have led most of the fans away. There's a nightclub not too far away, but he's in a pretty okay mood tonight and doesn't really feel the need to go cruising. He's not in the closet, not exactly - everyone important to him knows, but he doesn't talk about it and he's wary of drawing unwanted attention from the paparazzi. Besides, it's not like anybody really sees him - Jace is the face of Seraphim, and as far as Alec is concerned, Jace is completely welcome to the spotlight. Alec is just the tall guy in the background who they sometimes remember is Jace's brother, and he'd like to keep it that way. 

He's just decided to stay in and try to write some new songs when Magnus Bane sweeps into the bar, alone for once. Magnus settles at the counter and orders a whiskey, fingers tapping a rhythm absently on the dark blue countertop. He's swapped out the costume he was wearing on stage earlier - gold lamé booty shorts and a sleeveless crop top - for more conventional jeans and a button-up, but he's as unearthly up close as he is on stage, even with his eyeliner a little mussed up and the dark circles under his eyes much more prominent despite the dim light of the bar. Alec doesn't know why Magnus is alone, but when is he going to get another chance like this? He squares his shoulders and moves a few seats down, closer to where Magnus is sitting. 

"Um, hi. I wanted to apologise for what my brother said. He was out of line," he tells Magnus.  

Magnus looks surprised, but smiles at Alec. "That's alright. Don't worry about it."

Alec is almost certain Magnus is just going to turn away and their brief conversation will be over even before he knows it, so he blurts out, "I really liked your new song. The combination of guitar and drums with piano, viola, and ukulele was... unusual. But it worked." 

Magnus cocks his head, looking thoughtfully at Alec, a small smile playing on his lips. "Thank you. You're very kind," Magnus finally replies. He takes a sip of his drink and turns more fully towards Alec. "If blondie is your brother, then you must be Alec Lightwood."

It's Alec's turn to be surprised. "Um, yeah."

"I happened to hear your song on the radio the other day - ' _Off the Path_ ' - and the lyrics were so unexpectedly poetic that I had to look up who had written it." 

"Oh. Thank you," Alec says, and Magnus chuckles at his astonishment. 

"Where's your charming brother?" he asks. 

Alec shrugs. "Chasing tail, probably." 

"And that's not your thing?" Magnus asks. 

"Jace and I have very different tastes," Alec replies carefully.

Magnus raises an eyebrow at him. "Really. Do you think perhaps we might have more similar tastes?" 

"Maybe," Alec hedges.

Magnus grins and his gaze travels up and down Alec's body. "Well, isn't that lucky for me. Maia used to join me in our little exploration of what the town has to offer, but she's been happily wrapped up with Simon since he joined us, and Raphael never wants to go out, so I'm all on my own - and that just won't do. Would you like to join me for a drink so we can get to know each other better?"

It's on the tip of Alec's tongue to say yes - except that they're in a public space, and Alec isn't sure how it'll look. Alec doesn't follow the gossip rags; that's part of what Izzy does for Seraphim, in addition to booking gigs and sending out demo tapes to record companies and radio stations, and setting up auditions when they need to find replacement band members. He does, however, know that Magnus has a bit of a reputation even for someone in the business, being openly bisexual and indiscreet about who he sleeps with, and paparazzi are drawn to a reputation like that like vultures to a wounded animal.

"Or we could go somewhere a little more private," Magnus suggests. "And you don't have to feel embarrassed about saying 'no', by the way. I've got a thick hide."

A one-night stand with Magnus sounds like both a dream come true and the last thing Alec wants right now. He licks his lips nervously. "Rain check?" he says. 

Magnus shrugs in an elegant lift of his shoulders that Alec will never be able to emulate. There's a commotion building in volume at the entrance of the bar, and Alec sees the usual horde of Pandemonium fans trying to get in, having finally caught up with Magnus again. 

"Until next time, then," Magnus promises, and Alec watches him go off. Magnus whispers something in the ear of a petite slip of a girl, and she kisses him right on the mouth.

Alec wasn't planning on going to the nightclub at first but now he goes back upstairs to grab lube and a couple of condoms before he heads out, just in case. He finds someone who's willing to blow him in the back alley of the club and he gives the guy a reciprocal handjob. The next morning, Jace is the one who has to wake Alec up so that they don't miss their flight out, and gloats endlessly about it. Alec doesn't even remember the name or the face of the guy from the club. 

 

\--

  

**April 23, 1998 - Brooklyn, New York**

 

"Where the hell did you get that?"

Magnus' delight alone is worth the price of the motorcycle Alec bought on a whim. "Want to go for a spin?" he asks. 

"Aren't you worried that someone might see?" Magnus asks, part-teasing and part-serious. 

"Fuck 'em," Alec replies, and Magnus throws his head back when he laughs. 

It's been a long time since Alec’s had a motorcycle, but it all comes back to him pretty easily. The hum of the engine is addictive, ratcheting up into a steady purr as Alec picks up speed. Magnus' grip around his waist tightens a little when he takes them through the tunnel that runs under the East River, but once they're back out in on the open roads and the parkways, Magnus relaxes.  

Traffic is bearable for once, since it's in the middle of the working day, and almost non-existent when they get to Long Island. They zoom past streets lined with red-bricked little boutiques and cafes before they reach the boardwalk, rows of beach volleyball nets standing empty and unused. The beach is quiet. Gulls scream far above their heads, and the afternoon sun is too bright where it hits the water. It's still a little bit too cold, and it only gets colder when Magnus gets it into his head to chase the flocks of gulls minding their own business on the sand and in the shallows, then decides to scoop handfuls of the sea and fling them up at Alec, which of course means that Alec is honour-bound to retaliate. They chase each other up and down the beach, laughing like children; Magnus' shirt is completely ruined and the bottom halves of their jeans end up heavy and sodden with seawater. 

After that, they walk along the edge of the tide with their shoes dangling from their fingers and toes curling in the damp sand. They're walking in silence, but that's okay - oddly enough, the only time that the words flow easy for Alec is when he's writing verses down to the chords forming inside his head. He just reaches out to give Magnus' hand a little squeeze, and out of the corner of his eye, he catches Magnus' little half-smile as he looks down at the footprints they track in the shifting sand.

The beach isn't completely empty, but oddly enough nobody there pays them any mind. Probably people just assume that they are friends, and maybe they don't expect to see glamorous rock stars at the beach, and that makes all the difference - they're only a hundred miles or so away from the bright lights of New York City, but they could be in a completely different place. Alec has been to all fifty states a few times over, but he's never been out of the country. He wonders what it might feel like to travel just for the sake of going somewhere new, where their time isn't tied to a gruelling tour schedule, where they're not expected to sign the same posters over and over again, and put on their game faces on for the sake of the fans. He wonders what it might feel like to be an ordinary guy, with the man he loves; how it might feel like to not feel like someone's always hiding around the corner with a camera. He knows it's an idle daydream - they both love what they're doing too much to ever give it up - but it's nice to just dream. 

After that, they find a hidden spot on the rocky beach in the shelter of a breakwater and kiss aimlessly, just revelling in being close and having the rare day off. Too often, their kisses taste of whiskey and nicotine, but now Magnus' lips taste like the soda they shared and the salt of the sea, and they're warm despite the chill in the breeze. The slight warmth absorbed by the rocks fades with the day. The sky turns gold, then rose, then blue, and the lights come on in the lighthouse at the other end of the beach, and the seawater leaves a pale dusting of salt and powder-fine sand on their dark jeans as it dries.

Alec doesn't bring up the ring that's been weighing heavy in his pocket all day, and when the sky finally turns completely dark, it feels like it's too late to bring it up anyway. They can't get married legally, not yet, but the Mayor has promised that domestic partnerships will be recognised in New York City before the year is out, and Alec will settle for that for now. The problem is that he keeps second-guessing himself; on one hand, he thought it'd be more of a surprise if he proposed before their anniversary, but Pandemonium has a big showcase in L.A. coming up and Magnus is going to be gone for at least a month, and Alec doesn't want to make their time apart harder than it has to be. Anyway, they're in no hurry, and the perfect time will present itself eventually. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe next week. Soon. 

On the drive back, back into the traffic and people and lights and noise, Alec glances up and sees a sign: 'Welcome to Brooklyn - Like No Other Place In The World!'. He takes a deep breath of city dust and exhaust, and suddenly longs for a cigarette.

It's only when they get home that Alec sees the dozens of missed calls on his cellphone and a red light blinking on the answering machine, and Alec's world goes to hell.

 

 


	2. can we get the chemicals in

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The stitches don't even begin  
> To even stop up the bleeding  
> Can we get the chemicals in  
> 'Cause anything's better than this
> 
> \- _"Company", Third Eye Blind_

  

 

**December 31, 1994 - East Village, New York**

 

Say what you will about Jonathan Morgenstern, but Magnus can't deny that he throws some of the best parties - mostly because the drugs at his parties are the good stuff, and he usually gives Magnus as many hits as he wants for free.

Jonathan is Clary's half-brother. He started tagging along with Clary when her best friend Simon joined Pandemonium and she came to show support for him, and somehow he has become a permanent if not necessarily welcome fixture in their entourage. The two Morgenstern siblings have their own issues - dead or absent mothers, abusive addict father - but while Clary is now a struggling street artist surviving mainly on her pay cheque from waiting tables in a bar, her brother took a dive into the deep-end and became a dealer. Clary doesn't exactly like it, but she loves her brother, and he's promised her that he doesn't deal in the hard stuff. Only ecstasy, meth, acid - the ones that make the world bright and shiny for a while. 

Magnus knows his friends worry, especially Raphael, but while Magnus will admit to being morbid, he's not suicidal, and he's reckless but not stupid - or at least, not stupid enough to trust Jonathan. Everything Jonathan does, he does to serve his own selfish purposes. Jonathan comes to watch the bands play just so he can walk around with Clary afterwards to invite some famous people to go to his parties, and the real reason why he invites Magnus to these things is just so he can say Magnus Bane of Pandemonium is going to be there, in hopes of luring star-struck groupies to the club he's booked. 

And that is how, on New Year's eve, bored and lonely, Magnus finds himself at one of Jonathan's parties dancing with people who he vaguely thinks might be fans of his, and high as a fucking kite. When Magnus agrees to show up, Jonathan usually gets something a little stronger, and while Magnus knows his limits and doesn't indulge in cocaine that often, it does have its charms. It makes him feel like he can dance all night and never stop to even breathe, like he's downed fifty coffees without the jitters that come with it, like he's on the top of the world and nothing can bring him down. The lights in the club are electric blue, the faces around him happy and adoring, everything sharpens to a knife-point, and in this moment, Magnus doesn't have a care in the world. It's a pity that the feeling only lasts about ten minutes before he starts to feel reality closing in again, but that's the perk of being the superstar at this gig - there's always more from where that came from.

At some point, Magnus thinks he spots that handsome bassist from Seraphim and his annoying blond brother lurking in the periphery of the crowd. Jonathan had definitely been recruiting backstage at the last show Pandemonium was at, but Magnus had been under the impression that Alec Lightwood wasn't the partying kind. Tall as he is, Magnus loses sight of the two Seraphim band members in the crowd, and anyway between the beautiful bodies throwing themselves at him and the urgent need to line up another hit, Magnus forgets all about maybe seeing a guy he exchanged a few words with, until Alec Lightwood comes out of nowhere and starts dancing with him. 

Gone is the reserved, slightly shy man who came up to talk to him in the bar a couple of months ago - Alec Lightwood is a changed man. This Alec is confident, almost cocky, and claims Magnus' attention like it's his god-given right, and Magnus has no quarrel with that when he looks at Magnus like he wants to drop to his knees right on the dance floor and blow Magnus' fucking mind. This Alec has no qualms blatantly grinding his ass against Magnus' crotch as they dance, doesn't give a shit who's watching when Magnus cups his cock through his jeans in full view of everybody, and throws his head back over Magnus' shoulder, moaning, when Magnus' other hand finds a nipple through the thin cotton of his t-shirt. 

When the edges of the world start to dull again, Magnus goes in search of Jonathan to score another hit, and the reason for Alec's changed behaviour becomes apparent - he watches Magnus cut up lines and inhaling the white powder via a rolled-up dollar bill, then takes over the roll and leans down to breath in a line himself. Magnus' watches Alec pinch his nose, wincing, then give a slight shudder when the drugs hit his system, and he knows. 

"First time?" he asks.  

"Does it matter?" Alec asks, a wide grin spreading over his face, and drags Magnus out on the dance floor again. 

Magnus loses track of the number of hits he takes, wholly distracted by Alec and caught in the spell of the moment. It's a wonder that when Alec pushes him up against the wall of the hallway that leads to the bathroom and sticks his tongue down Magnus' throat, he's still got enough sense left in him to pull Alec into the single-cubicle unisex bathroom and lock the door behind them. 

Magnus' pulse is jackhammering in his throat, in his chest, in his head. This bathroom is probably the singularly most disgusting place Magnus has ever been in, and he supposes it's a blessing that his nose has gone numb, but he doesn't mind being pinned to the grimy wall if it means he has Alec's lips and teeth hot on his throat just under his Adam's apple, marking the sensitive spot with a bruise in the shape of that lovely mouth. He grabs a handful of Alec's ass and squeezes, and he's rewarded with a sharp gasp that goes straight to his cock. 

"Fuck me. Fuck me so hard that I'm gonna feel you inside me for weeks," Alec whispers against Magnus' pulse, voice deep and wrecked, and Magnus' cock, which has been half-hard all night, strains uncomfortably against the fly of his jeans.

"I don't have a condom," Magnus manages to rasp out, then moans when Alec palms his cock through his jeans. 

"Then fuck me raw, I don't care," Alec says, and goes back to sucking another bruise on Magnus' neck. 

"Alec, I-" The room is spinning. Something about this is a very bad idea.

Alec pulls away. His eyes are fever bright, the pupils so dilated that Magnus can barely see the hazel anymore, but Magnus can tell the high is wearing off when uncertainty creeps in on his face, the reckless confidence that Alec's been flaunting all night faltering a little.

"You don't wanna?" he asks, stepping back. 

No, that won't do, Magnus thinks hazily. The gorgeous warm body pressed up against him shouldn't be moving away from him, and Magnus finds that he doesn't care what a bad idea this is after all. 

"No need to be hasty, darling," he murmurs, pulling Alec back towards himself by the loops of his jeans, and his fingers set to work on Alec's belt buckle.

Magnus' mouth is too dry. It takes both of them spitting repeatedly into his palm for him to get Alec wet enough to even take one finger, but he wants Alec, and Alec is very vocal about wanting him, so both of them keep at it with a dogged stubbornness until he's three fingers deep inside Alec. Alec's jeans are shoved down to his knees, his hands braced on the wall in front of him, and the way he's fucking himself backwards on Magnus' fingers drowns out the last vestiges of doubt from Magnus' mind. Magnus removes his fingers, spits in his hand, then tugs at his cock a few times before rubbing the head of his cock over Alec's hole, smearing precome all over, and Alec moans.

"Come on, Magnus. Fuck me, I need you to fuck me, _please_ \- ah!"

Alec's body is too hot, too tight. Alec's cries are trapped in the stuffy ceramic prison together with them and Magnus' ears are ringing from how loud he is - he's sure everybody outside in the club can hear them, can hear Alec crying out with pleasure as Magnus drives his cock into him. And even with Magnus pounding Alec's ass so hard that he's getting dizzy, Alec keeps telling Magnus to fuck him harder, harder, _harder_ \- so Magnus gives Alec everything he has, until Alec comes with a shout and adds his come to the general swill on the floor, and Magnus finally empties himself into Alec's body. 

 

When Magnus wakes up the next morning, the first thing he feels is crushing self-loathing. The second is a blinding headache, and the third is the realisation that his cock actually really hurts.  

"Oh,  _fuck_ ," he mutters, clutching his aching head. God, he's so fucking _stupid._

Lighting a cigarette with shaky hands, he breathes in, exhales, and tries to tamp down the panic and think this through calmly. Magnus has always been a firm believer of looking forward, and what is done is done - regretting his stupidity isn't going to help him now. He needs to get tested, needs to come clean to Cat so she can discreetly get him some of that medication people take when they think they might've accidentally been exposed to HIV, and he promises himself that he's never going to another of Jonathan's parties. Turns out he's far more stupid than he realised, but the whole situation is ridiculous - he didn't think to bring condoms because even though the cocaine makes him fucking horny, it also makes it almost impossible to get it up, and it's just his fucking luck that Alec Lightwood has an effect on him that he can't explain. 

Magnus is reaching for the phone, preparing himself for a thorough tongue-lashing from Catarina (then probably from Ragnor, after she makes Magnus tell him), when another thought occurs to him: if his cock feels this sore, then Alec is probably feeling much worse. 

Magnus runs a hand over his face and mentally adds another item to the list of things he needs to do: find a way to get hold of Alec Lightwood. 

Ragnor manages to get Magnus the number of Seraphim's manager, who turns out to be Alec's sister, and she enthusiastically promises him that she will get Alec to call him back, although Magnus doubts that she would be that gleeful if she knew the real reason why Magnus wants to get in touch with Alec. Weeks pass, and Alec never does get in touch with Magnus, although Magnus' tests do come back negative, which is a small mercy.

But even with the sheer number of bands out there, Magnus knows it's only a matter of time before Pandemonium and Seraphim book a gig at the same show again, and sure enough, he spots both their band's names on the billing for a gig a few months down the road. Magnus assumes that Alec will want to avoid him entirely, and is surprised when he finds a message left at the hotel desk asking if they can meet at a pretty classy dim sum restaurant near the hotel. Alec must have planned in advance to get them a reservation for a private dining room, and Magnus honestly finds it rather charming. 

He finds it considerably less charming when Alec stands him up.

They were supposed to meet for brunch, so the other members of Pandemonium have already gone on ahead back to New York, and Magnus will have to catch a flight all on his own. The prawn dumplings aren't half bad though, so at least it wasn't a complete loss. He's about to call for the bill when Alec slinks in, shoulders hunched and not meeting Magnus' eyes. 

Alec settles in the chair opposite Magnus, and clears his throat. "Sorry, Jace doesn't know how to mind his own business. Took some doing to get him to go back to New York without me."

Alec reeks of cigarette smoke. Magnus has a feeling that it's more likely that Alec has been loitering downstairs going through an entire pack of cigarettes while he tried to work up the courage to come up.

"And what did you tell him?" Magnus asks.

"Told him I had to make things right," Alec says.

Magnus raises an eyebrow at him. "Pretty sure if anybody has to make things right, it's me. You didn't know it would feel like that. The drugs numb the pain, and make you think nothing can touch you. Speaking of, my tests came back negative, but how are you feeling?"

"I'm good. Tests were alright too," Alec replies. Someone comes in to take Alec's order but he waves her away politely. 

The late morning sun slants in through the interlocking wooden lattice at the window, geometric shapes of sunlight that don't quite reach their table. They sit in silence, surrounded by painted silkscreens, the sounds of clinking porcelain made by other diners faintly muffled by the time they filter through, like they're hearing everything from underwater. Magnus sips on his cup of scalding, bitter tea, watching Alec pick at a snag in the tablecloth. 

"I didn't want you to think less of me," Alec finally blurts out.

"Why would I? That's just you when you're not thinking of the consequences. Do you think less of me because I was high?" 

"That's not the same," Alec protests. 

"Really? Why not?" Magnus asks, and Alec squirms under Magnus' scrutiny until Magnus relents. "Don't think too much about it, darling. It's just sex, nothing serious."

"Right. Of course." Alec flashes a brief smile at him that looks slightly pained, and Magnus doesn't know what to make of it.  

Magnus drains his cup, and tilts his head to look consideringly at Alec. This Alec may not be as forward as he was in the club, but Magnus is drawn to him anyway. The first time Magnus heard Alec's song on the radio, he'd thought that whoever was singing it didn't get what the songwriter had been trying to say at all, which seemed like a pity. It isn't just about the sex; Magnus _does_ want to know him better, someone who writes songs that awaken something in Magnus' heart and mind. It isn't just about the sex, but Magnus has been having flashes of memories from that night - the way that Alec's body felt against his when they danced, the way his voice sent shivers down Magnus' spine when pitched low and close, and how much more carefree Alec seemed with loose limbs and easy grins - and now that Alec is sitting right in front of him, Magnus wonders how it would be like to experience all those things when they're both sober. 

"I've got time to kill before my flight out," Magnus offers. 

Alec looks up, slightly startled, and licks his lips. "You know, that rain check I took the other day? Think I'd like to cash it in now," he says, and signals for the bill. 

 

 --

  

**March 8, 1996 - Brainerd, Minnesota**

 

Magnus can feel Alec's eyes on him as he walks out on the stage. There are thousands of people in the crowd, all of them here to see him, screaming his name to get his attention. He thinks some of them might actually be crying, and that same girl in the front row is preparing to swoon into a dead faint three songs in, like she always does. But there's only one person he cares to impress, someone lurking in the shadows backstage - which is why Magnus turns his chair around so the audience can only see his back.  

They're not going to mind anyway; Magnus' shows are all about the theatrics and the staging. Raphael, who's on the drums, rolls his eyes violently, but Maia and Simon exchange a secret, sappy smile, and then it's Magnus' turn to roll his eyes - they think it's sweet, this mysterious affair he has going on with someone they only know is from another band.

A single amber spotlight comes on to shine on the chair Magnus is sitting down on, glinting off the gold threads woven into dark red brocade of the Victorian-style frock coat he's wearing. He's wearing leather pants so tight they leave nothing to the imagination, and no shirt under his coat - just an asymmetrical body chain made of delicate gold chains draped over his chest and abs, radiating out from a simple gold circle placed strategically over a nipple. He plants his feet steady, then spreads his thighs, tilting his hips up suggestively, and settles the cello carefully between his legs before gripping the instrument lightly with his knees. Because he needs to hook the instrument up to the amps, he's using one of those electronic cellos that would probably have given his teachers an aneurysm, but it does have the benefit of only having a hollow frame, which means it doesn't block the... _view_.

It's all a show put on specially for one Alec Lightwood, and he hopes he gets to find out just how much Alec enjoyed it later. 

But that's for later, and the time for teasing is over. Magnus rests the shoulder of the cello against his sternum, careful to avoid the chains cascading over his body, picks up the bow and starts to play; it's not his usual instrument but the bite from the strings when he presses them down with his fingertips is achingly familiar, and his muscles adjust quickly to the resistance from the larger instrument as he drags the bow across the strings. A few measures in, the rest of the lights seep onto the stage and Maia steps forward to the mic, her husky voice complementing the dark tone of the cello perfectly, then Simon and Raphael join in on the keyboard and drums respectively. Magnus is singing harmony to Maia for this one, which isn't that unusual for them, but Magnus tells himself he really needed Maia to sing lead for this new song because he thought it'd go over better with the general audience since the song is addressed to a 'he'.

The song ends with another measure of the cello on its own, and after he draws the last note, Magnus lifts the bow off the strings, sweeping it in a wide arc, and lets the tip of the bow touch the floor. Magnus closes his eyes, revelling in the moment of silence, then Raphael starts up a drum solo, hands flying over the drum kit with such speed and precision that it's all a blur. Magnus stands up, turns around, and shreds the guitar riff of his most popular song on the cello; the crowd goes wild, and Magnus lets himself be swept away with them.

 

Forty-five minutes later, Magnus tosses his bow - now completely ruined anyway, with most of the bow hairs snapped - into the crowd, blows his adoring fans a kiss, and staggers off into the darkness of the backstage sweaty, exhausted, and high on adrenaline, the best kind of high. He's the last one, trailing behind the rest of his band, and he's barely gone a few steps down the cluttered corridor that leads to the green room when a door opens and someone slips an arm around his waist and pulls him into some sort of storage room.

In the wedge of dim fluorescent light from the corridor, he catches a glimpse of stacks of black aluminium boxes with silver trimmings, the kind used for storing equipment, before the door shuts and plunges him and his abductor into complete darkness. But he doesn't need light to know who it is - he'd know that laugh anywhere.

"Alexander," he murmurs, smiling. It's been too long since he's last seen Alec, and every fuck he's had since then has been so frustratingly mediocre that most of the time he just stays in his room and drinks a third of a bottle of whiskey on his own, which is no fun at all. 

"Hey," Alec whispers and kisses him, gently taking the cello out of his hand. He hears the soft thump of it being set on the floor, probably leaning against the boxes.

"Did you like the show?" he teases. 

"I've never been so jealous of a cello," Alec mutters, and Magnus grins. It's lucky that it's too dark for Alec to see his grin falter when Alec then says, "I liked the first song, it was different from your usual. Was that new?" 

"Yes," Magnus replies, heart beating a little faster. 

"Did you write it on Maia's behalf? You know, for Simon."

Magnus lets out the breath he's been holding in a snort of laughter, and instead of answering Alec, he kisses him.  

Alec runs his hands lightly over the fine links of gold Magnus is wearing to brush the bare skin of Magnus' back, chest and abs as he kisses Magnus. They don't have much time, since they'll both have to head out to the merch tent to sign autographs after the last band has played, but Alec seems to be in no hurry, trailing kisses down Magnus' jawline, down the sensitive skin over Magnus' pulse point, following the paths marked by the chains down his chest (lingering over the nipple circled in gold, sucking and laving it over with his tongue until Magnus is gasping), then down his abs, his fingers moving ahead of his mouth to undo Magnus' fly. Alec makes a small sound of appreciation when he discovers that Magnus isn't wearing underwear, easing Magnus' cock out and giving it a few strokes before he takes most of it down his throat in one go.  

Magnus has to slap his palm over his own mouth to muffle his cry of surprised pleasure. Alec pins Magnus' hips against the wall to hold him in place and proceeds to give Magnus one of best blowjobs he's had in recent months. Magnus thumps his head against the wall and lets himself be swept away by the hot, wet suction on his cock, with Alec flicking his tongue at the vein just under the head of Magnus' cock just the way he likes it. After a while, one of Alec's hands leaves Magnus' hips, and he fancies that he hears the sound of a zipper being pulled open. He can't see Alec in the dark, but he can imagine how Alec looks like pretty clearly after almost a whole year's worth of clandestine backstage quickies followed by vigorous bed-breaking sex in the hotel room after the show - how Alec looks with his lips red and stretched around Magnus' cock, looking up at him with big eyes or fluttering shut as if overwhelmed by the pleasure of having Magnus' cock in his mouth, and more often than not with his hand on his own cock, getting off on blowing Magnus.

" _Alexander_ ," Magnus pants out in warning, and Alec pulls off and gets on his feet to claim Magnus' mouth, bringing Magnus to orgasm with his hand. He groans into Magnus' mouth when Magnus finally works the last of the rings off his fingers and his hand closes around Alec's cock in the dark. 

Alec's breath is hot against Magnus' cheeks, then his neck, when he drops his head down to bury it in the crook of Magnus' neck while Magnus teases him with firm but unhurried strokes. Alec's cock is sticky with precome and heavy in Magnus' hands, and Magnus shoves Alec's pants down further so he can reach behind Alec to slide a finger down the cleft of his ass. Alec's hips jerk and he starts to thrust into Magnus' fist when Magnus' finger brushes over his entrance. Somewhere out on the stage, the last band is starting up a number with a heavy bass beat that makes the walls shudder, but it's Alec's gasps in his ear and Alec's heartbeat that Magnus feels vibrating in his bones when they're pressed chest to chest like this, and Alec comes into Magnus' fist with a wrecked moan of Magnus' name.

They clean themselves up quickly; the band outside is winding down, and their band mates are going to give them shit for cutting it so close again.  

"Holiday Inn, room number 63," Alec says. "That is, if you want to."

He was wrong, Magnus thinks. There's an even better kind of high than the high of a successful performance - the kind that comes from knowing that he gets to see Alec again and have him all to himself for the night. 

"There's a collar, nipple clamps, and a cock ring that comes with this outfit, and I plan to let you help me put them on and fuck me senseless while I'm all dressed up for you," Magnus purrs, and Alec grumbles about Magnus being a tease, but Magnus thinks he hears the relief in Alec's voice. As if Magnus will say 'no' to any opportunity to spend more time with Alec. 

Magnus fumbles in the dark for his cello and steals a kiss from Alec. "I'll see you later, darling," he promises before he slips out into the light of the corridor. 

 

\-- 

  

**August 23, 1996 - Upper East Side, New York**

 

"You do know that if the paparazzi finds out about you and Magnus, they're going to have a field day, right?"

Alec frowns at Jace. "What, because they'll figure out that I'm gay?" he asks, and Jace's eyes widen in surprise.

"I think that's the first time I've actually heard you say it like that out loud," Jace says, chuckling, and ruffles Alec's hair, something he only really gets to do when Alec is sitting down. 

Alec growls and bats his hand away, but Jace is not wrong. He's always regarded his sexuality with a sort of resignation - a fact of who he is, like his height or dark hair, but he won't deny that he's wondered if life would be a little easier if he wasn't gay. Sex with random guys is something he does to let off some steam, but not something particularly enjoyable, or something he looks forward to, and he doesn't even really do that anymore since he started his thing with Magnus. It's strange to find that he's - well, not  _proud_ of being gay, because that's like being proud that he's got two eyes, a mouth, and a nose, but okay with it. Like getting used to longer arms and legs after a growth spurt, and now he's no longer tripping over his own feet.

While his feelings about himself may be less complicated now, he wishes he could say the same about how he feels about Magnus. His mood lifts when he sees that Pandemonium is going to be at the same gig, but he's resigned himself to the reality that Magnus doesn't feel the same way about him. He'll deal with it the same way he's dealt with being gay his whole life - he'll wonder if life would be a little easier if he wasn't hopelessly in love with Magnus, but it is a fact of who he is now: Alec Lightwood is 6'3, has dark hair, is gay, and is in love with Magnus Bane.  

"Anyway, what were you saying about Magnus?" Alec asks.

"Hmm?" Jace looks confused, like he's forgotten what they were just talking about. He wipes what seems like a perpetual runny nose with the back of his hand. "Oh, right. I mean, you coming out might lose us some fans but that's good riddance. I'm just saying, why Magnus Bane, you know?"

"And why  _not_ Magnus?" Alec asks, bristling, while shoving a box of Kleenex at his brother. 

Jace shrugs and blows his nose. "You guys are nothing alike. People are going to think it's a publicity stunt, like Seraphim is hanging onto Pandemonium's coat tails, or trying to be more edgy by associating with them..."

"How does my being with Magnus make us 'edgy'?" Alec asks with a frown. "Besides, what makes you think Magnus and I have nothing in common? You don't even know him." 

Jace blows his nose again. "Never mind. It's not like you guys are anything serious, right?" 

"Yeah, we're not," Alec says tersely, turning back to the song he's working on. He tries out a bit of it on the piano, but it isn't quite quite right. Maybe if he modulated to a D minor chord after the A minor...

"Dude, that sounds fucking depressing. Is that for us?" Jace asks.

"Maybe? I don't know yet," Alec says absently, making another notation. "Magnus and I had this idea, to write two different parts of a song that are meant to be two sides of the same conversation. It's still a bit... experimental at the moment."

"Wait, so you're writing for Magnus? For  _Pandemonium_?" Jace demands. "I knew it! Are you going over to them? Seraphim isn't good enough for you?"

Alec raises an eyebrow at Jace. "Did you even listen to a word I said? What the fuck is up with you?"

Jace runs a hand over his face. "I don't know, I'm just... tired, I guess."

Alec frowns and takes a proper look at Jace. His brother has been looking a little burnt-out lately, with dark circles under his eyes and hollowed-out cheeks from the weight he's lost. Alec makes a mental note to ask Izzy if they can take less gigs, although that may also stress Jace out more. Seraphim has been around a little longer than Pandemonium, but while a couple of Seraphim's songs have been picked up by niche rock radio stations, it's Pandemonium that's definitely on the rise. Jace seems to think that that's because he's not pushing himself hard enough, while Alec thinks that it's just that Magnus is extraordinarily talented and equally hardworking. Jace may seem cocky, but Alec knows better.

"Why are you wearing that in this weather? It's like 90 degrees out," Alec says, and Jace tugs self-consciously at the cuffs of his long-sleeved shirt. 

"Maybe I'm coming down with something," Jace concedes, and he's sniffling again.

"I'm going out to get NyQuil for you," Alec says, getting up.

"No, don't bother, I'm fine," Jace says quickly. "I'll get it on my own when I'm out, I'm supposed to meet someone later."

"Would that 'someone' be Clary?" Alec asks wryly. "That's who you've been sneaking out to meet, right?"

"Who?" Jace asks, looking shifty.

Alec frowns in confusion. "The red-head who was going around backstage with her brother? The reason why we even went to her brother's New Year's party last year?"

"Oh, was that for _me_? I thought we went because Jonathan said Magnus was going to be there," Jace says with a grin, a ghost of his usual mischievousness returning.  

Alec huffs and goes back to trying out chords on the piano. "Whatever. Don't stay out too late, we've got a flight to catch tomorrow."

"Yeah, yeah," Jace mumbles, shuffling off to his bedroom in the apartment he shares with Alec.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you want to hear how rock music is played on cello, check these guys out: [2Cellos playing Nirvana's _Smells Like Teen Spirit_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nji5zvkuuFg) with insane drum solo by Dusan Kranjc


	3. I'm just a chemical in your head

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Call this what you will  
> Just don't call it a mistake  
> Call it addiction  
> Say that we were not in love
> 
> - _"Dopamine", Third Eye Blind_

 

 

**June 21, 1996 - Chicago, Illinois**

 

"Alexander, how would you like to go to the Burning Man with me?"  

"The what now?" Alec says, brows furrowed.

They're both naked under the covers, not having bothered to put their clothes back on after their shower when they're just going to take them off again, leaning against the headboard and close enough that they're touching shoulder to elbow. They were messing about in the shower, and after their first orgasms of the night, the desire between them just a low, steady hum. 

"It's a gathering for all creators and artists in one place - one week of being free of all the things like expectations and obligations, just to experiment and be creative," Magnus says. 

"Sounds like high school band camp," Alec jokes, and Magnus makes an offended noise.

"I'm just kidding," Alec says, nudging Magnus playfully. "Tell me more."

"It's held once every year in Black Rock Desert, and it's usually very private, but this year is the first year they're opening it up to the public," Magnus explains, waving his hands expansively in his enthusiasm. "It's about giving one's unique talents for the enjoyment of all."

"Why is it called the Burning Man?"

"They burn a giant wooden effigy of a man at the end - I hear it's 50-feet tall this year. And all the physical art that is made during the festival is destroyed."

"Why?" Alec asks, bewildered.

"What is to give light must endure burning," Magnus replies, quoting some obscure thing Alec doesn't recognise. "And because there is beauty in things that eventually must come to an end, don't you think? Like a meteor shower, or a flower in bloom - all the more precious because it was only there for an instant."

"Right," Alec says, a sharp pang going through his chest. Just like their relationship, he supposes. "And you want us to go? Like, everyone from Seraphim and Pandemonium?" 

"No, just us," Magnus says, fiddling with his ear cuff.

"Oh," Alec says, mouth suddenly dry. 

"Never mind, forget that I brought it up. I've just remembered that I have a gig that weekend," Magnus says, getting out of bed.

"Wait, where are you going?" Alec asks, gut plummeting to his toes, but Magnus draws the curtains, then returns to the bed after snagging something from his jacket - a roll of tinfoil in a plastic bag, which Magnus then unwraps to reveal a few cubes of sugar. Alec quickly figures that they probably contain LSD.  

"I've never tried that," he admits.

He's smoked weed, sure, and even shared a joint or two with Magnus, but at the party he'd just had a moment of recklessness, wanting to catch Magnus' attention and not knowing how. He probably shouldn't have listened to Clary's brother's sales talk, probably shouldn't have listened to Jace's needling either, and it had been frightening how easy it had been to go for the second hit, then a third hit, and so on. Besides, with how _that_ went he's been wary of trying anything stronger since - taking off the edge a little is fine, but losing control is not a feeling Alec is fond of.

"We don't have to use it," Magnus assures him quickly. "It's just that I heard that it's something everyone should experience once in their life, but something you should only try with someone you trust." 

When he puts it like that, how can Alec say no? "Okay, let's do this," Alec says, sticking his hand out for one. 

"Alexander, you don't have to if you're not comfortable with it," Magnus says worriedly. 

"I trust you, too," Alec replies, and Magnus' expression softens.

He gently pushes Alec's hand down and out of the way, and straddles him, and Alec's hands find Magnus' waist immediately, his cock already stirring at having Magnus' weight in his lap. Magnus leans forward to kiss him, licking hot and wet into Alec's mouth, but just as Alec's getting into it, Magnus pulls away and places two fingers in Alec's mouth and on his tongue, pushing gently downwards. Alec sucks on Magnus' fingers before obediently opening his mouth for Magnus, tongue out and pliant, eager to show Magnus that he'll let Magnus do whatever he wants to do to him, and Magnus' breath hitches at the sight. Then Magnus extracts one loaded sugar cube and places it between his lips, and leans in to feed the cube to Alec.

Alec tastes only sugar as the cube melts on his tongue, and nothing seems to be happening. Magnus places a cube on his own tongue, and kisses Alec - lips plucking gently at Alec's, tongue swiping playfully at Alec's, and for a while they're just making out with sticky lips, grinding against each other, when Alec starts to feel a little tingly. He pulls away from Magnus and opens his eyes, blinking at the odd feeling that he's looking at everything through a fishbowl, and his gaze lands on the plain beige walls of the hotel room.  

"Magnus," Alec says thickly, starting to panic. "Magnus, the walls are moving."

"Shhh, I've got you," Magnus murmurs, cupping Alec's face in his hands. Every point of contact with Magnus is starting to clamour for Alec's attention, and with their bodies pressed so close together like this, it's... a lot.

"Look at me, Alexander," Magnus whispers. Alec does, and drowns.

It is not a sudden occurrence. The tide of sensation claims him slowly, seeping in through his nose and mouth and filling his lungs until his limbs grow heavy and Alec is helplessly pulled under - and when time has lost its meaning, his descent is endless. He loses himself in the way the light hits Magnus' eyes, a ring of amber in his irises. Magnus is laughing at him but not in a mean way, and Alec would laugh with him except that he's too distracted by the rippling, golden music of Magnus' laughter that he immediately decides would make an amazing new song, and he has to grab at the hotel notepad by the bed to write it down. The soft light from the lamp on the nightstand illuminates Magnus' ink in way that makes bursts of colour jump out at Alec; the branches of the trees on Magnus' torso sprout new leaves, bear blossoms, and wither to become bare again, and the waves of the ocean on his skin rise and swell, carrying floating cherry blossoms down Magnus' shoulders and down his arms. At some point the sun rises outside the shelter of their room, and a single beam of sunlight cuts through a place where the curtains do not quite meet, turning rising dust motes into fireflies.

They are lying next to each other now, turned on their sides and face to face. The world is no longer warped and weird, but glowing and perfect. Magnus is tracing a path of lightning down Alec's body with his fingertips, and in a moment of clarity Alec understands that in Magnus' eyes he is as beautiful as he thinks Magnus is (it is the first thing Alec forgets when he wakes up sober later). There are many things that Alec wants to say, but finding words requires a focus he does not possess at the moment. And yet, instead of feeling frustrated he is filled with a tranquil certainty that Magnus understands completely even though neither of them are speaking, because right now they are the same soul in two bodies. 

Then Magnus leans forward to kiss Alec, and like dozing embers receiving a breath of oxygen, the desire in Alec's veins roars to life. He surges into the kiss, desperate and wanting; Magnus' lips still taste like sugar, and when Alec presses their bodies close together, he can't tell which of them is moaning, and does it even matter when just the simple pleasure of having Magnus in his arms and kissing him is so intense that Alec thinks he might start speaking in tongues of praise and gratitude? Magnus rolls Alec under him - or is it Alec who rolls Magnus under him? - and they are rutting against each other, cocks hard and leaking and trapped between the heat of their bodies, and when Magnus wraps his legs around Alec's waist and arches into Alec, Alec knows exactly what he needs to do. He grabs at the lube they left on the nightstand and coats his fingers generously before pushing a finger into Magnus, and the way Magnus opens up so easily for him nearly has Alec coming right on the spot. The feeling of Magnus' body enveloping one finger is already overwhelming, but Alec struggles to concentrate and slides in another, then another, and the sounds Magnus is making from just having three fingers curling inside him makes Alec reluctant to stop what is obviously making Magnus feel so good just for the sake of his own pleasure. Then Magnus reaches blindly for Alec, urging him closer, and Alec's resolve weakens and he reaches for a condom. 

It's like having sex for the first time, minus the awkward fumbling. Somehow Alec has forgotten that _this_ is how it feels like to push his cock into tight, slick heat, that _this_ is how it feels like when his cock is buried inside Magnus as deep as he can go, and _this_ is how his heart races and the pleasure builds the first time he pulls out and thrusts back in. Magnus looks on, as if mesmerised by the sight of Alec's cock sliding in and out of his own body, then throws his head back with a groan and tilts his hips up when Alec starts moving in earnest.

Alec was drowning but now he's rising through the air, weightless and free, and he's never felt more alive than he does now. Alec feels every gasp he draws out of Magnus like he's the one gasping, and finds himself thrusting harder and faster into Magnus if only to keep chasing Magnus' pleasure. Alec can feel Magnus trembling underneath him, his body clenching around Alec even as he keeps taking Alec's cock so readily. He grinds deep into Magnus, working his hips until Magnus is clawing the sheets and crying out helplessly, and Alec has never seen or heard anything so beautiful.

They're not 'fucking', or even 'making love' - they are one soul in one body now, joined by pleasure, and the barriers between them are obliterated. There is no Alec, no Magnus, just _them_ \- and Alec can't lie to himself when he doesn't exist, so all that's left is the truth: he is in love with Magnus, has always been, and will always be. 

Every push and pull as their bodies move together is a wordless litany of _I love you, I love you, I love you,_ and they are so fused together that it's Alec's body that is being filled, and it's Magnus' cock that's sinking into intoxicating heat. They are not lost in pleasure, they are _found_ ; and when Alec sees what he feels mirrored in Magnus' eyes, the sweet aching feeling coiling inside them both reaches breaking point and he comes undone, a pure joy that fills every cell in his body and stretches out into forever.

 

When Alec wakes up, the sky outside is a deep blue. He can't tell if it's before sunrise or after sunset, and he has a moment of horror when he realises that he doesn't even know what day it is, or if everything that happened before was reality or if he hallucinated all of it, even the drugs. Magnus is still asleep beside him, and Alec can still remember how _right_ it felt, but his confidence that Magnus feels the same is already growing vague and blurry. Alec's gaze is drawn to the tattoo of a lotus flower rising out of a muddy pool of black ink on Magnus' right arm, a tattoo that's always been a bit of a sore spot and even more so in the current state of mind Alec is in. Alec knows that the pool covers an old tattoo of a woman's name, 'Camille' - the raised scar of the old tattoo can only be seen under certain light, but Alec has had the occasion to examine every inch of Magnus' body in light and darkness and everything in between. It's an old tattoo from when Magnus was younger and more careless, and the fact that it's covered up is part of the story as much as the fact that it's there, but it's not this faceless woman from Magnus' past that he's jealous of, no. What really kills him is that she'd been lucky enough to meet Magnus when he'd still been careless enough to believe that relationships could last longer than a one-night stand. 

He gets up to splash some cold water on his face and get dressed, looking back at the bed where Magnus is still sleeping. If only that place where he and Magnus were intertwined and infinite was real, and it's reality that's the bad trip. He knows he'll meet Magnus like this again the next time their bands book a gig at the same show, and he'll do it for as long as Magnus wants to, because he can't help himself. But he's too raw from his disappointment right now, and he can't be here when Magnus wakes up - can't be here in the cold light of the dawning day to look Magnus in the eye sober, and find out that Magnus only looks at him like he's in love with him when he's high.

The top sheet of the notepad on the nightstand is filled with incomprehensible musical notations. Alec tears it off and steals out of the room as quietly as he can so he won't wake Magnus, making sure the door latches shut behind him.

 

\--

   

**May 5, 1998 - Manhattan, New York**

 

"I shouldn't have walked out of there, Isabelle," Magnus says, staring down at his own hands and absently picking at his chipped nail polish.  

He's in her office in downtown Manhattan, and it's professional but it's not much - just enough space for a desk and some filing cabinets, and not even a window. Although a lot of the work she does for Seraphim requires her to be out there networking and promoting the band, it's hard to imagine someone as vivacious as Izzy being content with spending any amount of time in this suffocating little closet, but they all make sacrifices for the people they love, he thinks, as his gaze goes to the textbook on international law on her desk. Most of the space she's rented goes to the music room next door, where she holds auditions for temporary keyboardists and drummers for Seraphim. With the way things are going now, it's possible that she's going to cancel her lease or just let it run out, unless she wants to call for auditions for - well, for a whole new set of band members. The cellphone on her desk rings shrilly. Izzy grabs it and quickly checks the caller ID, frowns at it, then rejects the call and puts the phone back down. Not the hospital, then.

Izzy leans forward, resting her chin on her hand. "I'm sorry, you were saying? Is this about your anniversary?" she asks.

"No, when we came back from the hospital," Magnus sighs. "It'd been a very long couple of days, the paparazzi had been swarming at the hospital and at the entrance of our apartment building, and neither of us were at our best. You'd think that after so long, I'd know how your brother gets when he's feeling sad and guilty."

"He lashes out, hoping that everyone will leave him alone to wallow in self-loathing," Izzy says, nodding.

"There's something Alec isn't telling me. He's been behaving oddly for weeks. I should have been there for him, but instead I walked out without a word, just when he needed me the most," Magnus says. 

"What did he say to you, exactly?" 

A lot of things had been said that shouldn't have been said. It had started with Alec getting upset when Magnus had suggested that Pandemonium could cancel or postpone their plans in Los Angeles so Magnus could be there for Alec and his family. Alec had insisted that he could handle it on his own with increasing vehemence, accusing Magnus of behaving as if he had all the time in the world for things to fall into place by pure luck. Hurt and confused, grievances real and imagined had come crawling out of the woodwork - Alec's tendency to overthink and plan everything to death, Magnus' habit of sweeping the past under the rug and fleeing into the bright and shiny future, and it had spiralled into Magnus losing his temper and snapping that if they wanted to obsess about the past, maybe if Alec hadn't spent his entire life babysitting Jace and clearing up his messes, Jace would have learnt a little earlier that there were consequences to his actions. It's not true of course, but that's the problem with love - it hands you the perfect weapons to destroy each other.

"We both said unreasonable things in the heat of the moment. I... may have implied that it was his fault," Magnus admits in a small voice.

Izzy purses her lips. They are good friends, but Izzy is fiercely protective of her brothers, and her voice is a little colder when she says, "Well, I wasn't there. I can't say who was right or wrong." Her tone of voice clearly says she thinks Magnus was wrong. "And what did he say to that?"

"He said everything started falling apart the night we got together. He said..." Magnus swallows hard, the memory of the words still painful. "...he said maybe it was all a mistake." 

Izzy sighs, and Magnus thinks he hears her cursing them both out under her breath. "I don't think he meant it that way, Magnus."

"Maybe," Magnus says with a shrug. "I didn't stay to find out."

"Magnus, I know you love him, and he loves you. Anybody can see that," Izzy says earnestly. 

"Lack of love has never been the problem between Alexander and I," Magnus says with a sad little laugh. "We've both tried so hard to make this work, Isabelle. We even got you and Ragnor involved to try to sync our schedules so we could have more time together."

"All the scheduling in the world wouldn't have stopped Jace from being an idiot. You know that," Izzy says practically. "To be honest, it doesn't stop the two of you from being idiots either."

Magnus shakes his head. "We've had this thing going on for more than three years, but if you really think about it, between our touring schedules and all the things in between getting in the way, how long were Alexander and I really together for? Half a year? Less?"

"Did you stop loving each other in the time that you were apart, or even in the time before you both got your heads out of your asses and admitted how you felt about each other?" Izzy asks with a knowing smile.

"Good point," Magnus concedes after a while.

"After all these years, doesn't it seem like a waste to give up now?"

"I don't know, Isabelle. I think sometimes the right person at the wrong time is still the wrong person. Maybe it just isn't our time," Magnus says quietly. He clears his throat. "Have you seen Alexander since?" 

Izzy sighs and shakes her head. "He's mad at me too. Won't let me into the apartment and won't return my calls, won't even pick up when Mom calls. The nurses tell me that he's been to visit Jace once, but he must have waited till Mom and I weren't there."

"And Jace?"

Shrill ringing interrupts them again, but this time it's the phone on her desk. Izzy scowls at it, lifts the handset off the cradle and drops it back down. "He's mostly still unresponsive. The doctors say that he's still having mild brain seizures after the stroke. It's been almost two weeks, and even if he does wake up properly... there just might not be very much of Jace left."

"I'm so sorry," Magnus says, but she just shrugs helplessly. 

"All we can do now is hope, at least we still have that," she says bracingly. "Did you go to the funeral of the guy who was found with Jace? I know you're friends with his sister."

"Clary? Yes, I do know her, but I went to the funeral because I knew Jonathan as well," Magnus admits. Jace glares down accusingly at him from the posters that plaster the walls, but Jace he can deal with; Magnus is just glad that Alec never wanted to be on Seraphim's posters.

Magnus runs a hand over his face and takes a deep breath. "Alexander was right - everything started falling apart because of me. Jace must have met Jonathan at the party where I first got together with Alexander, and the only reason why they'd have even known about the party was because Jonathan used his connection with Pandemonium to get access to the backstage so he could advertise his parties. Even after I stopped going to the parties, I didn't stop Jonathan from coming around. I might even have seen him talking to Jace a couple of times but didn't think much of it."

"Magnus, this isn't on you. Hindsight is twenty-twenty and all that, you know?" Izzy says, and comes around the desk to perch on the arm of his chair and sling her arm around his shoulders. "Besides, if you want to talk about blame, then it's on _all_ of us.  Mom doesn't see us all that often, but how did Alec and I not notice how far gone Jace was? If he met this Jonathan guy at the party, then Jace must have been on the stuff for  _three years_. We knew Jace was frustrated that Seraphim just never took off the way he'd hoped, but when he started acting weird and losing weight we thought it was just stress."

"Oh, Isabelle." Magnus hugs her, and she hugs him back tightly. 

Both of her phones start ringing at the same time; Izzy scrambles to get to her cellphone, then lets out a little scream of frustration and rejects the call. "Okay, that's it, I'm done. I'm not in the mood to deal with fucking tabloids calling up to ask a hundred invasive questions. Lunch? You could come with me to visit Jace after."

"Lunch sounds good, but I think I'll skip the hospital, just in case Alexander is there - you'll probably have a better shot at getting him to talk than I will," Magnus says, and gets up to hold the door open for Izzy. They let the phone on her desk ring out.  

 

When he gets back to Ragnor's and sees Raphael, Maia, and Simon waiting for him, he feels a sick churning in his gut.

"Where the fuck have you been?" Raphael bites out.

"I went out for lunch with Isabelle," Magnus says. 

"So did you tell her then? That we might be staying a little longer in L.A.?" Simon asks nervously.

"No," Magnus replies, not meeting the eyes of the rest of his band mates.

"Look, I get that you think you're some sort of musical genius, but you haven't been turning up for practice and got Ragnor to cancel all the interviews leading up to what could be our big break. And yes, maybe Pandemonium would be nothing without you, but the band isn't just you, Magnus," Raphael says bluntly. 

"Calm down, Raphael. I didn't say we're cancelling our plans in L.A.," Magnus says. "I just didn't want to bring it up because Isabelle's got plenty of other things to worry about. And it's not like I'm completely out of practice, we've been gearing up to L.A. for months."

Maia comes up to him to give him a hug. "Hey, we know it's been rough. Are you sure you're okay?"

"I'm fine," Magnus insists with a tight smile. "I'm sorry I had to take a couple of weeks off because of this thing with Alexander, but I'm ready to put that aside for now."

Maybe it's for the best, Magnus thinks. He's not giving up on Alec, he's just giving him a bit of space, and this is what Alec wanted anyway, right? For Magnus to stick to the plan? He tries not to feel like he's just walking out of the door again, just when Alec needs him the most. 

 

\--

  

**August 23, 1997 - Brooklyn, New York**

 

Alec's hands are energetic and brisk as they move across the keyboard, fingers light on the delicate ornamental trills but powerful on the chords that form the heartbeat of the tango he is playing on the grand piano in the middle of their living room. Magnus crosses behind him with confident strides, an invisible partner in his arms, and Alec glances away from the score they unearthed amongst Magnus' things to watch him, grinning when Magnus spins dramatically and strikes a pose, his silk dressing gown swirling around him and catching the amber light hanging above. It's two in the morning, but the neighbours are just going to have to get used to it - he doubts very much that it's going to be the last time they start playing music in the middle of the night, and at least it's just the piano, not the piano  _and_ the violin. 

Tired of dancing alone, the next time Magnus sashays his way, Magnus takes both of Alec's hands in his and pulls him to his feet to join him. Well, Magnus is dancing and Alec is shuffling his feet awkwardly in time to the music in their heads, but it's _their_ apartment, and Alec is too giddy with the idea that he gets to have something like this with Magnus to care very much about being self-conscious. Alec's muscles are stiff and aching from a whole day of moving boxes but everything has been going really well - too well, perhaps. They managed to get this apartment, which came partially furnished, in a matter of weeks, and by some miracle their schedules fell in sync to give them this window of time to move in, and Alec is sure something is going to go wrong.

"Are we moving too fast?" he asks Magnus.

" _This_ is too fast?" Magnus teases, and lowers Alec in a dip without any warning, making Alec burst out in startled laughter.

Magnus pulls him upright again, and Alec is a little breathless when he asks, "No, I mean... we've only been together for like, less than three months. Is that too soon to be moving in together?"

Magnus doesn't reply for a while, and their dance slows into something calmer. He rests his head on Alec's shoulder with his face turned away. "Do you remember the first time you knew that you were in love with me?" he asks. His voice is soft, but it's still perfectly clear in the quiet of their apartment.

"June 21, 1996."

"The day I asked you if you wanted to go to the Burning Man with me," Magnus says, and Alec can hear the smile in his voice. 

"Yeah," Alec says, swallowing hard. "When we were tripping, I saw it so clearly, how well we fit together. And when I woke up, I wanted it to be true. I wanted it so bad, Magnus, and it really fucked me up. I almost asked Izzy to cancel when I saw Pandemonium would be at the same gig less than a month after that."

Magnus laughs softly, the sound reverberating through Alec's chest, and Alec furrows his brows in puzzlement, wrapping his arms around Magnus just a little tighter. "Why are you laughing?"

"I almost asked Ragnor to do the same thing," Magnus says, and lifts up his head to look Alec in the eye. Alec loves the way Magnus' eyes crinkle like that when Magnus smiles fondly at him, and a small secret part of him dares to hope that he gets to stick around to see those laugh lines deepen because of him, to see the grey bloom in Magnus' hair. Magnus places a hand on his cheek. "Ask me when I knew that I was in love with you."

"When did you know that you were in love with me?" Alec asks, even though he suddenly thinks he already knows the answer. 

"June 21, 1996."

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more full chapter to go! (Last one is an epilogue, and I'll be posting both together.) Are you ready? ;)


	4. I dream of lives we could have had before

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can we try and take the high road  
> though we don't know where it ends  
> I want to be your crystal-baller  
> I want to show you how it ends
> 
> \- _"Crystal-baller", Third Eye Blind_

 

  
**July 18, 1997 - Las Vegas, Nevada**

 

There's a rap on the door of the hotel room. Magnus doesn't need to look at the time to know that Alec's gotten here much quicker than he expected, but he doesn't blame him one bit. It's been a very long two months for both of them, and even racking up sky-high phone bills have done little more than take the edge off the frustration of having what feels like a million responsibilities getting in the way of them just curling up into their newfound love. He glances at his reflection in the mirror, then gets up to open the door.

Alec is leaning one forearm against the doorframe, shifting his weight nervously from one foot to another, and when he looks up his mouth falls open while he takes in the fact that Magnus is in five-inch fuck-me stiletto pumps, fine mesh fishnet stockings that go up to his mid-thigh, complete with garter belts, and a dark blue silk button-up just long enough to cover his crotch. 

Magnus smiles and beckons him in, and Alec snaps out of his daze, glancing around before quickly stepping in and shutting the door behind him.

"Fuckin' _hell_ , Magnus."

"I wore this on stage tonight," Magnus points out as Alec crowds him and pins him against the door. In his heels, Magnus is slightly taller than Alec, which is an interesting experience. 

"I wasn't expecting you to still be in them," Alec replies. Magnus feels Alec's hand on his thigh, tracing the hem of his stockings. "And you were wearing a bit more than just this," he says, fingers wandering up along the garter belt, then cupping Magnus' cock through the black lace of his barely-there thong. Magnus gasps and bucks into his hand, and Alec claims his lips in a soft, sweet kiss.

"I missed you," Alec murmurs.

"I missed you, too," Magnus replies, chasing Alec's lips to steal another kiss. 

He feels Alec's hands slip under his shirt and holds his breath in anticipation, then bites his lip when Alec's fingers brush against the chain under his shirt. Alec catches his reaction and eyes Magnus curiously. His hands move to the buttons of Magnus' shirt, undoing them slowly as if he's uncovering a delicate piece of art. When all the buttons are undone, he opens Magnus' shirt and his breath hitches when he sees the clover clamps on the base of Magnus' nipples that make them stand out more prominently, connected by a heavy gold chain that pulls down on the sensitive nubs.

"You like it?" Magnus asks a little breathlessly. 

Alec tugs gently on the chain, and Magnus lets out a sharp gasp. "You've been wearing this under your shirt since the show?" Alec asks, voice a little hoarse, and Magnus laughs lightly. 

"No, I put them on after. I was going get myself ready for you before you got here, but I thought you might want to watch...?" Magnus arches an eyebrow at Alec, and Alec nods eagerly. "Then take a seat over there, darling. Just sit back and enjoy the show."

There is a blue pleather couch near the floor-to-ceiling windows. Magnus stalks after Alec as he walks backwards towards the couch; they're not even touching, but Magnus feels the scant inches of space between them humming with electricity, tension in the air before a storm. The backs of Alec's knees hit the edge of the couch, and Magnus gives him a little shove in the chest with his fingertips, making Alec grin as he falls back onto the couch. Eyes never leaving Alec's, Magnus moves to stand between Alec's slightly spread legs, and then he rips the left side of his black lace thongs, right through the seams. Alec makes a small shocked sound, but his eyes are drawn to Magnus' cock springing free from its confines, already mostly hard, and the way his ruined underwear dangles from one thigh. Magnus gives himself a few strokes to get fully hard and braces his left heel on the couch just next to Alec's hip, letting his leg fall to one side a little to give Alec a better view. Alec swallows hard. 

"Give me some lube, darling," Magnus says, holding out one hand and indicating the tube on the side table. 

Alec fumbles a little with the cap, unable to tear his eyes away from Magnus, and squeezes a generous amount on Magnus' fingers. He watches wide-eyed while Magnus reaches behind himself and spreads it all around his entrance, teasing himself and rubbing his fingerpad across the sensitive rim before pressing a finger in slowly. Alec starts to lean forward, but Magnus waggles a finger at Alec.

"I said sit back," Magnus says.  

Alec makes a strangled noise and curls his hands into fists as he leans back on the couch again. Magnus throws his head back and moans when he pushes his finger all the way in, pumping his finger in and out of himself, torturously slow, and Alec fidgets, cock already straining in his pants. Magnus adds a second finger, gasping at the burn of the stretch, and Alec grunts, shifting in his seat. 

" _Fuck_ , Magnus," Alec mutters. 

"How do you want me, darling?" Magnus asks breathlessly, twisting and scissoring his fingers inside himself. He's rocking a little as he fingers himself, and the heavy chain dangling from his nipples sends a delicious frisson of pain-pleasure through them, straight down to his cock. He adds a third finger, and fuck he's already so full, but Alec's cock will be something else altogether. "Do you want me to fuck myself on your cock, nice and slow? Or do you want to bend me over the couch and make me take your cock as hard as you like?" 

Alec licks his lips, gaze going to the floor-to-ceiling windows. "I want you there," he says, and Magnus moans at his words. "But first..." he reaches out to hook one finger on the chain, and gives it a sharp tug. 

Magnus gasps as the clamps tighten and the balance tips towards pain for an instant, breath coming out in harsh gasps as Alec continues to tug on the chain gently, pulling Magnus towards him until Magnus settles in his lap. Alec leans forward and licks around one of the clamps on his nipples, and Magnus cries out in surprise and pleasure as Alec flicks his tongue at the oversensitive nub, tongue working to get in between the clamps. Alec holds Magnus in place while he lovingly abuses Magnus' nipples in turn, the contrast between the metal and the soft wet heat of Alec's mouth making Magnus shiver, and Magnus' cock trapped between them leaves a smear of precome on Alec's shirt. 

"Alexander, please," Magnus groans, and Alec carefully helps him get off his lap before manhandling him towards the windows. 

 

Alec presses him chest-first against the glass, and Magnus gasps as the clamps clink against the cold, smooth surface. He rests the side of his head against the window, the blood in his veins humming with anticipation, and inhales sharply when Alec jerks his shirt off his shoulders roughly to reveal the distinctive tattoos that decorate his skin, pinning Magnus' arms behind his back. Magnus is too distracted to complain that Alec is ruining a few hundred dollars worth of expensive silk. This high up, the view is incredible, and the bright lights of Las Vegas are a thousand artificial suns in a city that never sleeps. Down on the streets far below, he can see cars speeding and people gathered like little clusters of ants. There's no telling if there's paparazzi lurking amongst the crowds somewhere down below, and maybe some time within the next few hours, there will be several photos splashed across the tabloids in full technicolour - taken with powerful telephoto lenses, grainy from the low light but still recognisably of him because of the tattoos, showing him dressed in nothing but stiletto heels, fishnet stockings, and nipple clamps, being fucked against the window by a tall shadowy figure. 

If it were anybody else doing this to him, their aim would undoubtedly be humiliation. Not that Magnus has any reputation left to ruin, but the media would still have a field day over the scandalous photos. But because it's Alec, Magnus knows better. 

"You belong to the world. I'm just the poor fool who gets to pretend he has you for a little while," Alec murmurs. 

"Do you really think so?" Magnus whispers back, smiling. "Look more closely, darling."

Magnus hears the sharp intake of breath from Alec when he spots Magnus' new tattoo, and closes his eyes when Alec presses a tender kiss on it. 

"First of May," Alec says reverently. 

"Come on, Alexander. Let's show the world how good we look together," Magnus murmurs, spreading his legs a little more and arching his back invitingly towards Alec. 

Magnus heard the hiss of a zipper and a rustle of fabric, then the click of the cap of the lube. Then he feels the tip of Alec's cock dipping into him and keens as he feels the widest part of the blunt head slowly pushing through the tight ring of muscle. Even three fingers haven't been enough to prepare him properly for Alec's cock, and Magnus shudders against the cold glass as Alec's cock stretches him wide open, relishing the burn of being filled so completely that his body is clenching reflexively around the intrusion.

"Magnus, fuck, you're so tight," Alec groans, resting his forehead on Magnus' broad back. 

Alec begins to pull out, and Magnus moans in protest, tilting his hips to chase the feeling of fullness until Alec snaps his hips forward and buries himself inside Magnus again, the head of his cock brushing Magnus' prostate on the way in. 

"Ah! That's it, fuck me, Alexander, come on," Magnus gasps, and Alec grunts his agreement before gripping Magnus' hips hard and fucking into Magnus again, and again, and again. 

The slide of skin against skin, with no barrier of latex between them, is intoxicatingly intimate, and makes the heat starting in Magnus' gut rise. The chain dangling from his nipples taps against the glass every time Alec fucks into him, and the sound of it joins the filthy slap of their bodies moving together. Alec knows Magnus' body almost as well as his own, but the heels seem to be throwing him off; it takes him a little longer to find Magnus' prostate, but when he does, Magnus doesn't bother trying to stay quiet, letting out breathy moans with every snap of Alec's hips. 

"God, Alexander you're fucking me so good. Fuck me harder, _harder_ -" 

His orgasm is almost within reach when Alec cries out and slams home, holding Magnus in place while he grinds into Magnus and spills his release deep inside Magnus, and Magnus can't help letting out a moan as the pulses of warm wetness fill his body. Magnus wriggles a hand free so that he can touch himself, but Alec grabs his wrist and pins it firmly behind his back even as his cock slips out of Magnus' body. 

"I'm not done with you yet," Alec says in a low voice, full of promise, and Magnus moans in anticipation as Alec uses Magnus' shirt to bind his wrists tightly behind his back.  

"Did you get cleaned up for me?" Alec asks, and Magnus nods.

"Always do," he replies, and he already knows what's coming. 

Behind Magnus, Alec drops to his knees and pulls Magnus' ass cheeks apart. Magnus can imagine what Alec is seeing - his hole fucked loose, Alec's come dripping out of him - and he flexes a little, wanting to put on a bit of a show. Almost immediately, there's a gush of come flowing out of him, and Magnus is braced for Alec's reaction, but he still gasps when he feels Alec's mouth on his entrance, and his tongue pushing his own come back into Magnus.

"Oh god, Alexander," he moans as Alec flicks his swollen hole with his tongue.

Teeth scrape lightly against the rim and Alec laps eagerly at Magnus' sloppy entrance, alternating between pressing his tongue flat and wide to lick across it, and pointing it and fucking the come out of Magnus. With his arms bound behind his back and Alec holding him open like this, there's nothing Magnus can do but take what he's given, and Alec has always been a generous lover. 

Alec licks and sucks at Magnus' hole until he's cleaned Magnus out, tracing an unintelligible message with his tongue around Magnus' entrance. By now, the only reason Magnus is even upright is Alec's grip on his hips; he can't even feel the strain on his calves as he tries to balance in the stiletto heels, his shoulder braced on the unyielding glass. The only things that exist for him right now in the oxygen-starved haze that has completely overtaken his mind are the intense pressure on his nipples, the ache he feels from behind his balls to the head of his cock as it hangs heavy and leaking between his legs, and Alec’s tongue and lips on his well-fucked hole. Magnus is distantly aware of the wet, slick sound of Alec fucking his own hand, but it's drowned out by Alec's moans, muffled because the tip of his tongue is currently flicking against his rim and working into his body. 

"Alexander, let me come," Magnus pleads, lightheaded from the overload of sensations; the lights of the city below are swimming in his vision. " _Please_. God, please, just let me come, I don't care how."

Alec stands up, his grip on Magnus' hips almost bruising now, and releases the clamps. Magnus barely gets a chance to react to the rush of pain-bright pleasure before Alec drives his cock into him again in one smooth motion, pounding right into the tight knot of nerves inside him, and Magnus shouts with surprise. Magnus is being consumed whole by the pleasure Alec gives him, a burning man ablaze with holy fire in the desert, and it only takes a few more sharp thrusts from Alec before his vision whites out and he's coming on Alec's cock, completely untouched. Magnus collapses against Alec, and Alec catches him, carefully stroking him through the aftershocks of his climax until he is spent, Alec's cock still hard inside him.

Alec eases his cock out of Magnus and lays him on the bed, massaging his arms. He lies down next to Magnus and Magnus hooks one thigh between Alec's legs and kisses Alec; Alec tastes like come and musk, a mingling of them both, and Magnus wants to lick every bit of it out of his mouth. He pins Alec's wrists above his head with one hand and takes Alec's cock in his other hand, then jerks him off slowly, pressing his knee into the sensitive spot behind Alec's balls and greedily swallowing the moans of pleasure he draws out of Alec with every teasing stroke of his thumb and every deft twist of his wrist, until Alec arches under him and he comes all over Magnus' fist with a groan. 

 

Magnus kisses Alec sweetly one more time and rolls off him so he can catch his breath, sinking gratefully into the bed. He's too spent to do much other than kick off his heels and wrap his arms around Alec, and Alec sighs contentedly, burying his face in the crook of Magnus' neck. Cleaning up can wait. Everything can wait, while they hold each other for the first time in more than two months.

"I'm going to tell Izzy and Jace about us. I don't want to hide it from them anymore," Alec mumbles into Magnus shoulder. 

"Alright. I'll tell Ragnor and the rest of Pandemonium as well. I can't bear waiting weeks before we can meet again, and maybe Izzy and Ragnor can help with that," Magnus agrees. 

Alec is silent for a while, then says hesitantly, "Magnus... what if we moved in together?"  

"Back in New York?" Magnus asks, surprised.  

"Yeah, my lease is running out anyway. Jace would be fine on his own, and I just thought... if we were living together, at least we'd get to see more of each other when we're not touring."

"One of those places with a doorman and security," Magnus suggests, warming up to the idea. "Two people living in the same building would draw less attention than if we kept turning up at each other's apartments. Besides, I'm sure Ragnor will be only too glad to be rid of me."

"Yeah? Cool," Alec says in relief, and for a moment they just hold each other in comfortable silence. 

"Magnus?" 

"Hmm?"  

"I love you," Alec says. He sounds like he can't believe he finally gets to say these three words, and Magnus knows that feeling only too well. 

"I love you, too," Magnus says, and holds Alec a little tighter. 

 

\--

  

**May 7, 1998 - Brooklyn, New York**

 

Whoever said that it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all was a fucking schmuck.

Alec comes to this conclusion after half of a bottle of good whiskey Magnus had been saving up (or more likely, forgotten), and he drinks it out of one of Magnus' purple clay teacups just because. Why would anybody want to fall in love when this is how it feels when it ends, when even love isn't enough?

It is possible that he's being overdramatic, because it _can't_ be over between him and Magnus, he  _can't_ have lost Magnus just like that... but it sure feels like that right now.

All the things they said to each other have been running like a nightmare loop in his head for nearly two weeks now. It got worse after Magnus came to get his things on their anniversary, but it's particularly bad today because Jace has been in a coma for exactly two weeks today. Alec knows it's a ballpark estimate that the doctors give because the brain doesn't give a shit about weeks and days, but they said that if Jace wasn't properly awake by two weeks, the chances of him making a recovery were at two percent, and Alec just can't deal with the idea of losing his brother - especially when it was all his fault, just like Magnus said.

Jace had gone to the party because he'd been trying to let Alec have a chance to meet Magnus, and then Alec had gotten so fucking high that he hadn't been there to keep an eye on what the hell Jace was getting up to. Jace had been insecure before, but Alec's proximity with Magnus meant that Pandemonium's success was constantly rubbed in Jace's face. Alec had ditched Jace to play house with Magnus, and he had been so caught up with being in love that he hadn't even noticed Jace spiralling into addiction. And the day that he'd been planning to propose to Magnus, Jace had come to him seeming a little agitated, saying he wanted to talk, then backed off when he'd noticed Alec's nervousness and found out about Alec's proposal plan.

All Magnus had said was the truth, and instead Alec had lashed out. He'd known it was the wrong thing to say the moment the words left his mouth, but it was too late. He'd meant that it had been  _his_ fault, _his_ mistake, except that it didn't work that way, because _two_ people were involved in this relationship. He'd made it sound like their relationship was a mistake, like choosing Magnus had been a mistake, and he'd seen his carelessness gut Magnus as surely as if he'd stabbed him with a knife. 

And then Magnus had left, not once but twice, when a tiny part of Alec that he would never admit to had just wanted Magnus to fight a little harder, to stay despite everything. It had hurt that Magnus had found it so easy to walk away from Alec and from the life they'd been trying to build together, although who could really blame him?

Alec goes to pour out some more whiskey into the ridiculously small teacup, and stares disbelievingly at the bottle when not a single drop comes out. He looks blearily around the room - at the overflowing ashtray on the table, the blank sheet music scattered all over the piano and covered with illegible scribbles, and more crumpled pieces of paper littering the shag carpet from a few days spent futilely trying to bleed his heartache out in chords and verses. He's been clean since he moved in with Magnus, but Alec knows there's a bottle of vicodin in the medicine cabinet, and he's desperate enough for something that will quieten his mind just for the night.

Alec closes his eyes and runs a hand over his face. God, what is he even thinking?

"Fuck this shit," Alec mumbles to himself, and staggers off to the bedroom.

   

Alec doesn't remember going to sleep on the bed, but he wakes up in it anyway, drowning in blue sheets and memories. He's been sleeping on the couch in the living room since Magnus left the second time, and for a moment he can't place the tinny mechanical melody that's woken him up; then he does, and he scrambles out of bed to find his cellphone in the mess in the living room. He can count on one hand the number of people who have his number, and Izzy and his mom gave up on calling him a few days ago, which means it can only be either Magnus or the hospital.

"Hello?" Alec nods absently and regrets it immediately. "I'll be right there," he says, clutching his spinning head.

Alec dodges the few straggling paparazzi loitering outside his apartment to grab a cab in the light drizzle, and thankfully doesn't see any paps waiting at the hospital. The wait for the elevator is torture, and the ride up even more so - trapped with all the anxiety, resignation, and heartsickness of everyone in the elevator, creeping up the levels because it's just his luck that there's someone who wants to get out at every fucking level.

When he'd last seen Jace, he'd been hooked up to all sorts of breathing tubes and shit, but those have all been removed now. Izzy is already there, of course, helping Jace sip some water from a plastic cup, but there's someone else too, the redhead Alec recognises as Clary Morgenstern. She was the one who found Jace and her brother in her brother's apartment, overdosed on a combination of cocaine and heroin, and they have her to thank for getting Jace to the hospital in time. Jace looks surprisingly alert for someone whose heart stopped for a few minutes and who has been out cold for two weeks because bits of his brain died, and he wriggles his fingers at Alec when he spots him at the doorway. 

"Oh, hi!" Clary says, smiling at Alec. "Sorry if this is a little weird, I know I'm pretty much a stranger to all of you. I just... really felt like I ought to visit, because this was sort of Jonathan's fault, and Magnus is my friend. I happened to be here when Jace opened his eyes."

"Not at all, I told you, we don't mind," Izzy assures her with a smile. 

Alec nods at Clary in greeting, trying to ignore his heartache at the mention of Magnus, and looks to Izzy. "What did the docs say?"

"They've just taken his scans, but they say he seems to be doing well, considering," Izzy says, crossing her fingers. "Mom is on her way." 

"I should probably go. I'm glad that you're awake now," Clary tells Jace.

"You're going to be back, right? You saved my life, so you're basically responsible for me now," Jace jokes, his voice a little more than a croak and speech terrifyingly slurred, but Alec allows himself a sliver of hope - if Jace's already flirting with girls again, maybe he's going to be alright. 

Clary laughs and tucks a lock of hair behind her ear, cheeks a little pink. "I'll be back," she promises him, and Jace watches her go like he can't bear to let her out of his sight. Izzy quirks an eyebrow at Alec, amusement and relief written all over her face, then pointedly clears her throat. 

Jace catches sight of their expressions and tries to shrug, but Alec can't help noticing that the left side of Jace's body barely moves.

"You look like shit," Jace informs Alec. 

Alec doesn't rise to the bait. "I'm sorry," he tells Jace, but Jace just frowns in confusion. 

"For?" 

"It wasn't your fault, big brother," Izzy says, but Alec shakes his head. 

"You came to talk to me about something, the day that you overdosed," Alec reminds Jace. "Maybe if I'd stayed and listened, this wouldn't have happened."

"Don't remember. Everything is kinda blurry," Jace admits. "Last thing I remember is maybe... Christmas?"

"The doctors said that might happen, that he might have short-term memory loss. You never mentioned that you saw Jace that day," Izzy prompts Alec gently. 

"Well, I guess we'll never know what Jace wanted to tell me, because when he found out I had plans, he said it wasn't important and went off," Alec says, looking down at the bland beige hospital linoleum floor.

"Probably wasn't anything important," Jace says a little too quickly, and Alec shoots his brother a look.

"Don't give me that shit," he says.

"I don't remember. Honest," Jace insists.

"You-" Alec begins, and Izzy stops him with a hand on his arm.

"You had plans? What plans?" Izzy asks.

Alec looks down at his scuffed shoes. "I was going to take Magnus out for a spin on my motorcycle... and I was gonna ask him to marry me." Izzy lets out a shocked gasp. 

"Did I mess it up for you?" Jace asks, alarmed. 

"No."

"He said 'no'?!" Izzy asks incredulously. 

"No, I chickened out," Alec admits. "But maybe that's for the best."

"What? Why?" Izzy demands.

"Look, if I had been paying more attention to what was going on with Jace, this wouldn't have happened!" Alec hisses, gesturing in Jace's general direction.

"I'm the one who fucked up, not you," Jace huffs. "I thought I could handle it, and at first it was fine... just some blow once in a while, you know?" Jace's right hand goes to rest in the crook of his left arm, but the sleeves of the hospital gown are shorter than the shirts he's been favouring recently, too short to hide the track marks on his other arm. "But Seraphim was going nowhere, I was in a rut and Jonathan kept suggesting that we try new stuff, stronger stuff..." He starts choking, seemingly on thin air, and Izzy and Alec scurry to get him more water. 

"We can talk about this another time. Jace needs to rest," Alec says.

"Not until you get it through your thick skull - it's not your fucking fault," Jace wheezes.

"Alec, we're not kids anymore. You'll always be our big brother, but you have to live for yourself some time," Izzy tells him. "You can't spend the rest of your life babysitting us."

Alec smiles a little bitterly. "That's what Magnus said, too."

"He's gone to L.A., you know? Ragnor called me to tell me that they might be staying longer than they planned," Izzy says.

Alec had known that there was a possibility that if Pandemonium did well they might even decide to temporarily base themselves in L.A., but it still leaves him feeling a little empty to hear that. 

"That's good," he says. Izzy sighs. 

"You could still make it for your flight to L.A.," she says. "I know you wanted to surprise him at Pandemonium's big showcase tonight."

"I'm not sure he'll want to see me. I said some stupid shit," Alec mumbles.

"From what he told me, so did he," Izzy says wryly. 

"Just fucking go, you're just going to drive me crazy fussing around like a mother hen. Besides, Mom and Izzy will be here," Jace says lightly. "You gotta be there for him tonight of all nights, dumbass." 

His two siblings are looking expectantly at him, and in a moment something becomes clear - it's better to have loved and lost than never loved at all, because at least if you've loved something, then you've had something you thought was worth fighting for. 

"Okay," he says, taking a deep breath. He pats Jace on the shoulder and gives Izzy a tight hug. "I'll be right back. There's something I have to make right."

 

 --

  

**May 8, 1998 - Los Angeles, California**

  

It's ten minutes before the big showcase for the record label, and Magnus' heart is not in it at all. Raphael, Maia, and Simon are sitting quietly in the green room, trying to get into the headspace, but Magnus' mind is a million miles away - or 2,451 miles away, really. Tonight is a big night for Pandemonium. Not only will there be executives from a major recording label watching them tonight, it's also the first time someone has taken them on for a full show, just them for two hours straight. This is their ticket to the big leagues, and Magnus should be as excited as his band mates. The past couple of days have been a whirlwind of interviews, autograph sessions, and meet-the-fan sessions, and while meeting fans is usually both an exhausting and encouraging experience, Magnus just feels wrung out, and they haven't even gone on the stage. There's two more months of this ahead of him - interviews, more meet-the-fans sessions, possible meetings with the recording label, a series of concerts with Pandemonium headlining, which have already sold-out - and ordinarily this much time away from Alec would be only just bearable, but that was when he knew that there would be something to go back to. 

Clary called him up to tell him that Jace had woken up earlier today, and while it's a huge relief, Magnus can't help but feel that he should have been there for Alec. He's just wondering if it might be possible to squeeze a couple of days out of the insane schedule Ragnor's drawn up to go back to New York, just to make things right with Alec, when his phone vibrates with an incoming text.  

He opens the message almost absently, and although his heart skips a beat when he sees who it's from, he can't help smiling. It's from Alec - the name of a hotel and a room number, just like old times. He takes a deep breath and lets it out, heart already lighter now that he knows Alec is probably somewhere out there in the audience.

He's written a number of new songs with Alec for this series of concerts in L.A., the most blatant linking of their names either of them have dared to venture, but over the years Magnus has written many songs for and about Alec as well, although he's not sure Alec realises. And it's about time he did.

"Hey guys, change of plans. Don't freak out, Simon, it's just the song line-up," he says, getting up from his seat to grab the band's score book. 

 

Magnus takes the stage, his heart beating so loudly he's sure the microphones are going to pick it up, and his palms are actually sweating like he's done a shot of something, but he's just plain terrified. Magnus has stood on the stage a hundred times, maybe a thousand times, but this time he knows is different.

He can't see Alec in the crowd, the stage lights too blinding for him to see the one person he wants to see the most, so he closes his eyes and sings. He's never been very good at keeping his distance in his music, always laying his heart out bare on the stage, but he's never prayed so hard for someone to understand when he throws himself out there, to catch him before he hits the ground. He sings of the years they struggled alone, then together but not; of the years they wounded each other and shattered each other's hearts, only to be made whole again in each other's arms, and by the time he's sung his last note, the wetness he feels on his cheeks isn't just sweat, and his heart feels twisted and bleeding. The roaring applause of the crowd means nothing, all these people screaming his name mean nothing, until a tall, lanky figure emerges from the audience and vaults onto the stage.

"Alexander," he whispers as Alec makes his way towards him.

Alec is crying, but he's smiling too, and when he takes Magnus' face in his hands and kisses him in front of the screaming crowds and under the glaring stage lights, there is nothing else but his Alexander, right here, right now, and together they will make things right. 

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," Alec murmurs, barely audible above the chaos going on in the audience, and Magnus shushes him because nobody else should get to hear this.

"I'm sorry, too," Magnus whispers back, kissing him again, before they both stagger punch-drunk into the relative quiet of the backstage.

They're greeted by wolf whistles from some of the tech staff on the way to the green room, cheers and congratulations from Simon and Maia, and even Raphael claps them both on the back and flashes a brief smile at them before leaving to give them some privacy. 

For a moment they just sit there in silence, holding hands. "So do we start over?" Magnus asks, then stops short, belatedly remembering the words they'd flung at each other during their fight, that it's exactly this sort of attitude that Alec hates.

Alec shakes his head. "No, we'll start from here, now," he says patiently, eyes fixed on Magnus'. "Maybe it feels like a mess right now, but it's _our_ mess. And I wouldn't change a single day I spent with you, good or bad." 

"Okay," Magnus says. Something finally falls back into place, and he smiles at Alec. "Okay."

 


	5. epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I felt my fingers inching towards you, oh so slow  
> We've got room to grow, we've got room to grow  
> Now I want to find out all the things your chaos brings  
> There's something in you I believe in
> 
> \- _"Something In You", Third Eye Blind_

 

**September 21, 1998 - Los Angeles, California**  

 

The City of Angels turns out to be perfect for Alec, which is perhaps slightly ironic since Seraphim is now disbanded, what with Jace being in rehab and physiotherapy, and Izzy off doing her master's in public policy. 

He's lived in New York all his life, used to the pace and the pressure but also its stability, and at first it was hard to adjust to the vibe in Los Angeles - the strange way that the city is constantly changing and doesn't seem to have a centre, where wilderness and desert seem to be right at their doorstep. Here, dreams are made and broken overnight only to rise from the ashes again; a video store clerk can become a famous director in the blink of an eye, a band with a sold-out album may flop on their next one and come back with another sold-out hit, and everyone fails publicly at least once, only to reinvent themselves and get back up again. He thinks Jace might like it here eventually, and Clary too. 

Making their relationship public by kissing Magnus on stage wasn't really part of his plan and possibly contributed to the demise of Seraphim, but what's important is that Magnus' audience and the executives from the recording label loved it. Izzy and Ragnor spun it as a beautiful secret romance and the media lapped it all up, and now that most of the hubbub has died down, Alec has his whole life ahead of him to do whatever he wants. Maybe he'll take up Ragnor's suggestion that since Ragnor's thinking of retiring, Alec might find the business aspects of managing Pandemonium and staying out of the limelight more to his tastes. Maybe he'll start another band. Who knows? Los Angeles isn't home, but it's a good place to be for now while Alec figures out what he wants to do. In the meantime, Alec writes songs with Magnus for Pandemonium and fills in as the band's temporary bassist while Maia is off having a baby.

 

It's another time and another place, and they're walking down a narrow and rocky beach that disappears in the high tide. Back in New York, at this time of the year the days should be getting cooler, but it's always sunny in L.A. The beach is a public space but secluded, right in front of a stretch of waterfront homes for the rich and famous - not quite yet for the frontman of Pandemonium, but soon, if the buzz around Pandemonium's new album pays off. It's another time and another place, but Alec still has a ring weighing heavy in his pocket, and if not now, then when?

`Will you marry me?' feels trite, clichéd, and dumb, none of which Alec wants his proposal to be. So when they stop to sit on some of the rocks that dot the shoreline, he grabs Magnus' hand and holds out the ring so Magnus can see it - a simple gold band with the flatwound steel string of a bass guitar set in it - and slips the ring onto Magnus' left ring finger slowly, giving him plenty of opportunity to pull away. Magnus stares down at the ring on his finger in stunned silence for a long while, and Alec half expects that Magnus is going to take it off and dump the ring in his palm. Instead, Magnus reaches into his pocket and takes Alec's left hand in his, and then it's Alec's turn to stare dumbfounded as Magnus slips a ring on his left ring finger. This ring is gold, too, but with part of a music score etched on it. Alec has seen this ring amongst the organised clutter of Magnus' dressing table back in New York, and it's only now that Alec realises that he recognises this song - it's the first bar of the first song they ever wrote together, and Magnus had simply hidden the ring in plain sight, waiting for the right time.

He looks at Magnus in shock, but Magnus is looking out at the ocean to hide his smile, and something in Alec feels too large to contain. Words aren't enough to express how he feels, but they've always understood each other better when clumsy words don't get in the way. 

He takes Magnus' hand and squeezes it lightly, and Magnus squeezes back, the gold rings on their fingers catching the last rays of the day's light. 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The End.
> 
> Since this is a Rockstar AU, I made a soundtrack. For anybody interested, you can check out [this playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4jWAY81fLjgua6z6wcreVR).
> 
> Much love to everyone for all the comments and livetweeting, it has been an absolute joy to share this fic with all of you and I'm so glad you guys had fun reading it as well! <3
> 
> Until next time, XOXO.


End file.
